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For years my wife has told me that conversation is an important part of foreplay for her. I try to stay focused during that chatty time before sex, but I get sleepy and lose interest. The result? My wife gets the conversation she needs, and I don't get the intercourse I need. I'd feel selfish if I didn't provide the kind of foreplay she needs, but how can I stay awake long enough to close the deal?

Louis: Conversation is an important aspect of foreplay for most women. So the most obvious solution to your dilemma is to find a better time of day to play around. That will allow you to enjoy an unhurried interval for conversation, relaxing foreplay and intercourse that will be satisfying to both of you. This could be earlier in the evening or even before work in the morning. If you live close to the office, you could even schedule a mid-day rendezvous.

If you can express your frustration and ask for your wife's help, together you may find other creative solutions. Sometimes it's hard for men to share their needs openly, seeing such an admission as a sign of weakness or failure. But wives usually want to be just as sensitive to their husband's sexual rhythm and responses as their husbands are to theirs. Your wife is probably thankful for your concern about her needs and will welcome the opportunity to reciprocate.

Another solution can be for you to be satisfied by an occasional "quickie"—sex without the lengthy preliminaries. We've found that even a quickie can be mutually enjoyable. Melissa receives the gratification of having brought me pleasure, and I accept her gift without feeling guilty or selfish. That's not usually our first choice, but it's better than ongoing frustration.

Melissa: If I could speak to your wife, I'd encourage her to read The Sexual Man, by Archibald Hart. He does a great job of explaining male sexuality. When I got a better understanding of what men need in a sexual relationship, it changed my attitude about our sex life. I hadn't realized, for instance, that being sexually satisfied greatly influences Louis's ability to perform at work. Since we work together, I began to note the difference in his on-the-job performance based on how things were going sexually between us. That realization made me less selfish—and I stopped seeing Louis's sexual need, which was higher than my own, as totally selfish. I matured as a wife and started seeing our sexual activity as important. My role in Louis's life became more fulfilling.

I've never seen advice on my particular problem. When I got married six months ago, I was glad to see that my wife likes things orderly. She is much neater than I am, which is great. But her desire for cleanliness has its downside when it comes to sex. Even though I shower and shave beforehand, the smells and fluids associated with intercourse bother her so much that we rarely have sex. Is there anything more I can do?

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