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On the other hand, if you're really together and you've worked for years creating intimacy and a strong spiritual dimension to your marriage, you've got tremendous strength on which to build. You have a basis for working on the problem together.

And then it goes back to your attitude. James 1:2-3 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." The word consider there means make up your mind to regard that adversity as something to welcome. It doesn't say to make up your mind immediately, but eventually you look at it and say, "Okay. I didn't want this to happen. I wish it hadn't happened. But I'm going to learn through it." You don't let the crisis destroy you.

The couples who make it are the ones who pull together. They're the ones who pray together for their child and their marriage.

What can a couple do to reconcile their opposite approaches to dealing with a rebellious child?

The first thing is not to ignore these differences, since they can drive a wedge between you. And personality really comes into play here. One person might feel shame—believing that if he or she were somehow a better person that the child wouldn't be so off track. But that person's spouse might say, "Kids rebel. We've just got to live with it."

Or one spouse might want to go to a pastor or counselor for help. But the other spouse says, "No, let's keep this within the family. We don't want anyone else to know. Don't even share this with your closest friend."

Is it a common reaction that one spouse would want to keep problems with a prodigal private?

People are afraid of being condemned by others—especially by other Christians. People wonder, "Should I still serve as an elder in the church if my kid is living this kind of life? Should I still be teaching Sunday school? Should I still sing in the choir?" They begin to question their fitness for ministry. This way of thinking is misguided, however. There might be a few judgmental people in the church, but we don't need to listen to them because they're not the final authority.

If this tendency to become isolated is so prevalent, what can a couple do to overcome it?

The parents have to talk about what they're going through. Even if one spouse doesn't want to, the other has to create some sort of a safe environment to encourage discussion.

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