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Q. My parents invited us to attend a marriage seminar with them when we first got married, and we were surprised by how much we enjoyed it. One of the things we learned was to reflect each other's feeling in our conversations, but when we do this, it often feels phony, like we're robots or something. Is there any way to do this without feeling like we are just using a technique?

A. We hear this question a lot. Sometimes in one of our seminars we will teach this technique of reflecting each other's feelings and then have couples practice it right then and there. Invariably someone will raise his or her hand and echo your same frustration, and our answer is always the same: Reflecting your partner's feelings will remain an empty technique and fall flat on its face unless you are genuinely interested in understanding your partner.

As long as you are sincere about your desire to know your partner's heart, reflecting his or her feelings will work like a charm. You may feel awkward at first. Yes, you may even feel like a robot programmed to say, "It sounds like you are feeling … " But if you practice this routinely for a week or so, and if you are genuinely wanting to make a deep connection with your spouse, you will see just how natural it can become.

By the way, you don't have to always begin your reflection with "It sounds like … " Here are some additional leads that may be helpful:

"It seems as if … "

"What I hear you saying is … "

"It must have been … "

"Could it be that you are feeling … "

"You must feel … "

"I wonder if you are feeling … "

Even when using a variety of leads to reflect your partner's feelings, you may still feel a bit phony, but don't give up. It's natural to feel awkward anytime you try something new. Keep at it. In a relatively brief amount of time, with enough practice, you will begin to reflect feeling with a natural ease that becomes part of your daily conversations.

One more thing: You don't have to be a "feelings" expert to decipher your partner's emotions. The good news is that when you are genuinely interested in understanding his heart, you can reflect back a feeling that isn't really on target and still succeed with this practice. Your partner may be feeling frustrated and you say, from a genuine heart, "It sounds as if you're feeling pretty angry." Well, he may not be feeling angry at all, but because you are genuinely interested in understanding him, he will not shut down. He will say something like, "Well, I'm not really angry as much as I am just plain frustrated." Do you see how that works? Even when you are wrong, this technique is still helpful—as long as your are genuine.

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