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On the verge of divorce, Stephanie entered counseling hoping to find some reason to stay in her marriage. "I just want to be in love with my husband. Is that too much to ask?" she exclaimed. After fourteen years of ups and downs, she was fed up with her self-absorbed, fickle husband. Although Todd was not abusive or unfaithful, he did not make an effort to meet Stephanie's emotional needs. His work, hobbies, and friends seemed more important to him than his wife.

Stephanie had attempted many suggestions to jump-start her marriage. She encouraged Todd and tried to understand his emotional needs. She pled with him to invest in their marriage. She examined her own attitudes and how they affected Todd. After about ten sessions, Stephanie despondently announced that her case was hopeless. "I don't think there is much you can do for me; I will just have to wait it out until I can't take any more from him."

Restoring a marriage is not always about trying harder, being enlightened, or waiting out the tough times. There are some cases that seem hopeless, regardless of good intentions. A wife's vows to her husband, and his to her, can be literally impossible to keep without a spiritual perspective.

Proverbs 14:1 says that "the wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish woman tears hers down." Wisdom and effort are essential ingredients to building a solid marriage. However, they alone are often insufficient. A wife can go a long way to provide an environment that allows for an intimate relationship. However, she cannot make it happen.

"Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it," says Psalm 127:1. Wow! It is only the Lord who can ultimately build Stephanie's house. Without him, all of her labor is in vain.

To be a wise spouse, you must recognize the importance of God in all that you do. You cannot build your house without him. Perhaps this is why all of your efforts have felt like beating your head against a brick wall. Although you can influence your spouse, you cannot ultimately change his or her heart.

The temptation to give up on marriage because it is disappointing or unsatisfying is what overwhelms many spouses. This is particularly true in a culture that is so focused on self-fulfillment.

If marriage is ultimately about getting our own needs met, then marriage is over when intimacy fails. However, marriage can also be viewed as something beyond our needs. It is often the ultimate test of our values and character. Like no other relationship, marriage can highlight our fears and selfishness. It is essentially a ministry. The way we respond in marriage reflects our core beliefs and our very reason for living.

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