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When I ask when the last time they had a special date night was, the conversation stops dead. "Too long to remember," Bill offers.

Second marriages with children require weekly date nights and at least one weekend getaway a year to stay healthy. While this advice is good for first marriages, second marriages like these start with all the responsibilities of parenthood and step-parenthood attached. Time away from kids and talk of kids is vital to deepening the foundation of the couple.

Mark and Susan married when Mark's girls were thirteen and eleven years old. The girls lived with Mark's ex-wife; however, they spent summers and every other weekend with Mark and Susan. This was Susan's first marriage, and she had no children. Mark had been divorced for nine years before remarrying. They had met at a church singles event. Looking back ten years later, here's what they've learned.

"In the beginning we tried to have the same rules in both households for the most part," Susan remembers. "This changed in adolescence, with rules related to having boys over. We didn't know the boys well or their parents, so we were more protective."

Bill, as the biological parent, was the more strict of the two, which actually freed Susan to develop a friendly relationship with the girls at first. When the step-parent is thrown into being a disciplinarian right away, sparks fly for everyone. It is too much of a strain to begin a trust relationship with a lot of disciplinary responsibilities. It helps if the biological parent takes the lead with his or her own children and gradually, over a one- to three-year period, eases the other parent into a role where he or she feels comfortable disciplining. Bill included Susan in decision-making about the kids from the beginning, but took the lead on the implementation. This allowed the kids time to develop a relationship and gave Susan the status and involvement in parenting decisions for the kids.

But discipline isn't the only area that needs caution. "It is very important as a step-parent not to try to outdo your spouse's ex," Susan says. "We had more financial resources than the girls' mom since we were both working. I made a mistake once by buying a really nice gift for the girls. I noticed them explaining to their mom that it was not only from me but from some other relatives on my side. I realized that the gift had made them and their mother uncomfortable."

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