Home > Marriage > Help & Healing > My Marriage Was Over
My Marriage Was Over
Back from the Brink: A real-life story of a marriage in recovery.
Anne Johnston | posted 9/30/2008
 2 of 3
Despite Steve's obvious changes and spiritual growth, I didn't want to stay married. For five months, my friends held me in prayer, and acquaintances insisted on telling their stories of how God salvaged their marriages. Each time, I listened politely, nodded my head, and said, "That's great for you, but it won't work for me. I don't think God wants me to stay married."
But whenever I said those words, there wasn't peace in my heart. That made me angry. God was telling me that what I wanted to do wasn't his will. It felt so unfair. But I prayed: "Lord, if you want me to stay in this marriage, you need to change my heart. I can't do it. You need to."
Even at the Christian marriage seminar, I was uncomfortable. I couldn't wait for it to be over. Then Gary Smalley said these words: "I am sure most of you are here for a marriage tune-up, but if you are in a marriage crisis and ready to give up, please see me about our Marriage Intensive program at the Smalley Relationship Center." Steve and I looked at each other, and I said, "Let's try it." I still don't know where those words came from, but I felt God urging me to keep seeking help.
The next week Steve arranged for us to attend the Marriage Intensive: sixteen hours of counseling over two days with licensed therapists. We each received a packet of information that included forms and questionnaires. We had to complete the forms separately and not share them with our spouse. They took two hours to complete. The questions were intimate and demanded rigorous honesty, but that wasn't difficult. I figured that if I wasn't unyielding about my feelings now, then this exercise was futile. After all, I had nothing else to lose.
We arrived on a Friday morning and were greeted by psychologist Robert Paul and counselor Erin Smalley. Robert explained that he and Erin had studied and assessed our questionnaires and were prepared to explore our circumstances and struggles. He said that in our sessions, they would help us uncover what hindered our marriage.
This already felt radically different from our weekly marriage counseling. I felt relaxed knowing that we had a significant amount of time to work through issues, unlike our weekly fifty-minute sessions.
"Hmmm. Extensive time for thought and follow-through," I remember thinking. "Maybe we'll really get to the root of our problem. I feel safe here."
Over the next two days, we willingly shared our hearts and lives with two strangers who quickly became our friends in Christ. Because of the large blocks of time spent in each session, our therapists could see how we interacted with each other. They helped us work through many of the communication stumbling blocks that, in time, built a wall that prevented true intimacy with each other. Digging deeper, Steve realized his fear of inadequacy, and I owned up to my shame issues from childhood and my own fear of intimacy.
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