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An important key to this new freedom is seeing the change as a gradual process. Make a list of all aspects of sexual play you can imagine (in private, of course). Then rank them according to the degree of difficulty each represents for you. Beginning with the simplest activity, gradually move down the list, mastering each level in turn. For instance, your first exercise might be simply to signal to your husband that you're available. The next might be to show up in a sexy nighty. The next could be to reach over and caress him in a stimulating area of his anatomy, and so on. Allow each new, more assertive behavior to become comfortable before moving on and letting your husband know that you are purposefully (even if timidly) working on that aspect of your sexuality.

I'd also like to encourage your husband to allow the changes without pressuring for more and to affirm you for the progress he sees.

He Prayed Away His Sex Drive
Q. My husband and I have been married three months. On our honeymoon, my husband got a bad chest cold, and let's just say that the honeymoon wasn't what I had been waiting for all those years. Both my husband and I were virgins when we married, and I thought that our sex life would be exciting and unstoppable once he felt better. Now, three months later, I am the one who makes the move to get intimate. It doesn't seem to bother him. He thinks that because he prayed all his life to keep the sexual thoughts away, now that he is married he is just still in that mode. How do we get my husband's sex drive back?

A. Re-read the answer to this column's first question but make one important transformation. Our levels of sexual drive are on a continuum rather than being uniform. Just as most men have a higher desire for sexual play and intercourse and most women less interest, individual differences may reverse this usual pattern.

Each of you should explore openly and honestly your deepest attitudes about sex. How did you learn about sex and what were your earliest sexual experiences? What were the constraints that helped you maintain your virginity? Are there expectations about sexual "performance" that present anxiety when you approach sexual interaction? Understanding yourselves and each other may help you find a more agreeable level of interaction.

I'd also like to emphasize the delightful journey toward marital oneness. I fully understand how long three months of newly wedded sexuality may seem, but want to encourage you to be patient. If, in fact, your husband has been praying to reduce his sexual thoughts and drive, it may take some time for those patterns of denial to diminish. Your patient acceptance of his sexuality can help him overcome those old inhibitions. Affirm and reward his interest and continue to invite him gently whenever you want. You mentioned wanting him to have his sex drive "back," so I would expect his libido to return.

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