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Q & A
Gary J. and Carrie Oliver
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Should We Separate?
Q. Ever since our daughter was born four years ago, my husband has left all child-care responsibilities and housework to me. What's worse is that every time I bring the subject up and tell him how overwhelmed I am, he refuses to listen. I'm at the end of my rope, and I'm resentful and angry. I don't want a divorce; I just want things to change. I know that the Bible says divorce is wrong, but what about a separation to get your spouse's attention?
A. One of the most exciting and, at the same time, most challenging seasons in any marriage relationship is when a man and woman are blessed with their first child. Most couples have no formal preparation for the enormous transitions that first-time parents experience.
Most new moms read books and talk with other moms about this transition. Unfortunately, most men have little to no input. Few fathers talk with their sons about becoming a dad. Few men read any books on the subject. Few churches offer any classes for new parents. The situation is rough on you and it's tragic for him, because he is losing an invaluable opportunity to bond with his daughter at a time he can never get back.
However, separation is not the solution. Separation is not something you do as an attention-getter. Research tells us that the vast majority of couples who separate end up getting a divorce. The only time we recommend separation is where there has been abuse, unfaithfulness, or when it is the only other option to divorce. Even then, we only recommend a time-limited separation for the purpose of growth and reconciliation. During this time couples are involved in regular counseling that includes homework and other relation-building activities.
It's understandable that you would respond to your husband's irresponsibility by experiencing fear, hurt, and frustration—all of which are primary emotions that can lead to the secondary emotion of anger. Unfortunately, when we speak with an anger that we have allowed to control us, we often come across in ways that make it less likely that others will hear us. People are rarely open to change when they are told that they are selfish, lazy, not carrying their load, or that they'd better change or else. All of those things may be true but that approach rarely helps.
Is there a couple in your church that you and your husband are friends with that are a bit further down the parenting path than you are? Perhaps you could ask the man if he would be willing to do something with your husband and, in the process, give him some hints on being a partner in parenting. Also, your pastor might know of a seminar or workshop that would provide a new perspective.
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