Home > Marriage > Help & Healing > Staying Married through Tragedies
Staying Married through Tragedies
Divorce after tragedy is not inevitable. Here are eight ways to get through the hard times.
Don Harting | posted 9/30/2008
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If tragedy darkens the door of your home, they recommend these eight tips to help you cope.
1. Commit to keeping your relationship intact.
Commitment is the foundation of relationship survival. It needs to be verbally expressed by both partners before and during a crisis. Each partner needs to know that the other wants the relationship to survive. Speak or write your commitment; don't rely on assumptions.
Mick and Helen demonstrated their commitment by attending a FamilyLife marriage conference a few months after the crash, while Mick was still on crutches.
"We refused to characterize our marriage as the problem," Mick says. "We knew the crash was part of the reality of life."
2. Persevere.
During times of complete frustration and overwhelming despair, try to do what needs to be done next. If you're hungry, eat. If you're tired, sleep. If there's a bill to be paid, pay it. Don't try to think ahead, just do the next thing. In time, you will feel better.
Helen plunged into serving her husband and remaining children. She washed laundry, cooked meals, bought groceries. "I had a family to take care of," she says, "so I took care of them."
She also took comfort from God's word, especially Jeremiah 29:11: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
3. Respect each other's differences.
You and your partner may not handle the crisis the same way, physically or emotionally. You may have different reactions and different feelings. This doesn't mean that one is right and the other is wrong; it means you're different. It is vital to respect and accept your differences. Allow your partner to handle the crisis and heal in the way that is best for him or her.
"If one partner needs to take a whole bunch of people to the grave site, that's fine. The other partner can go completely alone and sit there and cry or not go at all," says Jeanne Caverly. "That's okay. Everybody does things differently."
4. Take a break.
During times of crisis, it's often helpful to find new activities to share. Doing something new together is a way of focusing your energy in a positive direction. It can also provide a temporary distraction from your emotional pain. When was the last time you went bowling?
The Yoders took a long vacation at Disney World during the first anniversary of Benji's death. That way they were spared some of the pain of reliving those fateful days just before Christmas. Since they were not at home, Mick and Helen had fewer reminders of their loss. This also freed the parents to focus attention upon the surviving children, something everyone enjoyed.
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