Home > Marriage > Communication > How to Fight Fair
How to Fight Fair
10 rules for getting good at what we all do
Simon Presland | posted 9/30/2008
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4. Stick to the subject at hand.
In many marriages, confronting an issue is the gunpowder that ignites World War III. Defenses kick in. Accusations fly. And by the time the smoke has cleared, spouses have bombed each other with everything that has happened since the day they were married.
When you decide to face an issue, don't allow yourself—or your mate—to drag in past hurts. Deal with one issue at a time. Make a rule between yourselves that if neither is willing to discuss a sore point as soon as it happens, then the issue cannot be used as ammunition for future fights.
5. If your spouse says you do, then it's true.
When confronted with an issue, your first response may be to hide behind statements such as, "No I don't" or "You're just exaggerating." When your mate states that you're doing something irritating, trust him or her. Consciously choose to look past your defensive walls and ask your spouse, "Why does this bother you?" Then listen to what is being said. Try to see his or her point of view, and be willing to change for the good of your marriage.
6. Avoid generalizing.
"You're always putting down my family," Tom fumed to Becky as they left his parent's house. "Can't you ever say anything nice about them?"
"Always?" Becky yelled. "You think that I'm always putting down your family?"
Extreme words such as always, never, right, wrong, good, or bad will cause your mate to be defensive and lash out at you. These words generalize a situation without giving proof that what you are saying is true. Stick to concrete examples of present-day behavior. Then your spouse will have a vivid illustration of his or her actions.
7. Avoid personal insults and character assassination.
"Attacking your mate's character is the best way to make an enemy for life," says Pastor Luke. "To avoid this, it is important to see the issue as the problem—not your spouse. This is how God deals with us. He tells us of his infinite acceptance, yet confronts us on issues that do not line up with his word." Stay focused on the issue at hand. This will help you to remain objective and express your thoughts clearly without alienating your spouse through personal attacks.
8. Confront with truth. Affirm with love.
"Honey, I really appreciate all of your hard work around the house. But when I asked you to bring in the mail, you ignored my wishes. Why is that?"
The best way to talk about something negative is to start with something positive. Next, state the issue, and give your mate the opportunity to reflect on the problem you've presented. Your partner may not realize that their actions are upsetting you. And when you give your spouse a chance to think things through, he or she may surprise you with a positive response.
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