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But Paul offers a better solution, a way to move beyond power struggles. It's called submission. He says, in effect, "In life, when you're in a place of less authority and power"—which in his day included wives, children, and slaves—"don't resist and resent and rebel. Out of reverence for Christ, respect and honor and work hard at pleasing the other person. And when you're in a place of more power"—which in Paul's day included husbands, parents, and slave masters—"don't lord it over the other person. Don't use them to make your life easier. Instead, use your power to benefit them."

Submission means I voluntarily limit what I might do naturally in this relationship in order to benefit you. If I have more power, instead of doing what I might do naturally and use that power to make my life easier, out of reverence for Christ I'll use my power instead to serve you. I'll give up even my life in order to benefit you.

Submission also means that if I have less power, instead of doing what I might do naturally and fight you every step of the way, I'm going to show you respect and honor.

Now comes the tricky question: How do you apply that? How do you live out the Bible's principle of submission in your marriage, today? Here are some things I've heard Christians say:

1. The husband should make all important financial and other decisions for the relationship.
2. The husband and wife should work together on all important decisions, but the husband has the final say.
3. The husband should go out to earn the family's daily bread, and the woman should stay home to bake it.
4. The husband is the president, and the wife is the executive vice-president.
5. The husband should control the tv remote (actually, I've never heard preachers say that; I just threw that in).

Those may or may not be valid applications of Ephesians 5. I'd simply like to point out that in Ephesians, Paul doesn't say any of those things. As scholar Claire M. Powell writes, "Paul never specifies any cultural action or practical application from this passage." Paul seems to believe that if you're filled with the Holy Spirit and you want to live out of reverence for Christ, then you'll instinctively submit to each other. You'll yield the right of way.

That said, I want to offer six secrets that I believe express from this passage what submission means. They can help you ensure you're capturing the beauty of submission in your marriage.

Submission is a doctrine you apply to yourself. Notice Paul doesn't say, "Husbands, tell your wife to submit"—or, "Wives, tell your husband to step up and be spiritual head of the home." Instead, he speaks to each person and asks each to work on his or her own attitude.

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