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Is a Little Space Such a Bad Thing?
How to take—and give—some "me" time
Vannetta Chapman | posted 9/30/2008
 2 of 3
So how can you get—or give—some space?
Be honest about what you need. If you're feeling smothered and need some "me" time, say so. You never know, your partner could be feeling the same way. One thing is certain: If you hold in your feelings, they'll come out in an inappropriate way—such as when your spouse offers to accompany you on some errands and you hear yourself scream, "But I just wanted to be alone for an hour!" Be honest if you need some space. Talk about it; tell your spouse what you're craving. Explain your feelings as best and as kindly as you can. Open communication is crucial in any relationship. If your spouse still doesn't "get it," ask him to trust you. He may never feel the same way, but he's sure to appreciate an honestly expressed need.
Reaffirm your spouse. Your partner may not understand your need for alone time. So it's important to reassure him you're still committed to the relationship and you still love him. Help him see you both benefit from a little time apart. After a day alone, for instance, I'll fix Bob's favorite dinner or spend a quiet evening just with him. That shows Bob that time apart actually draws us closer together.
No, the honeymoon isn't over. Although Monica and Chandler appear to do everything together, Friends isn't the real world. The honeymoon isn't over simply because you have separate interests and want to pursue them. Bob and I both enjoy camping, so it's something we try to do once a month. It's our thing. But he doesn't share my enthusiasm for long-distance hiking, so I hike with a girlfriend from work. Our marriage is actually stronger because I can do something I enjoy and he can refrain from doing something he doesn't enjoy. And when I return home, we have something to talk about; we reconnect.
Don't take it personally if your partner says "no thanks." I'm a moviegoer; Bob isn't. Before we married I went to the movies at least once a week. Bob wasn't even sure where the nearest theater was. The first year we were married, I'd scour the movie listings, then present Bob with my top three picks. He'd look at them, try to appear excited, then plead, "Can't we just stay home and watch TV?"
I finally had to accept that he's never going to be the movie lover I am. That's okay. Now I go to a movie when he has an evening meeting scheduled at work, or on a Saturday when there's a must-see football game on TV.
Respect the need for distance. Distance isn't measured merely by what you do and don't do together; it's also measured by what you say and don't say. Some days I can't wait to get home and tell Bob everything that's happened. Other days I just want to go to the tub and soak. That doesn't mean I'm not still committed to my marriage. I just need some time to regroup. If your spouse is having a quiet evening, let him be. Or you can say, "I need to talk to you about something, but it can wait until tomorrow." Your spouse will appreciate your consideration.
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