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Another approach to dealing with differences is nicely presented in a little book, Getting to Yes, by Roger Fisher and William Ury. These authors were addressing ways for successful negotiation to proceed, but their principles apply beautifully to this area of marriage. They propose that rather than negotiate from positions of "principles," that parties discuss their conflict with an eye on their "interests." Let me explain.

Let's say Sally wants to have some cuddling from Bill without it leading to intercourse, but Bill thinks she's just looking for a way to deny his need for sexual release. If they approach each other on "principle" rather than with their interests in mind, Sally will feel uncared for by Bill, who doesn't seem to notice that she needs to be held even when she may not feel up to making love. She can develop anger and resentment and refuse to come close to Bill at all. Bill may interpret Sally's resistance as rejection and denial of his manhood. Giving in to her position may feel like giving up his manliness to have a relationship with his wife.

For them to look at their conflict from the position of their "interests" they would discuss what they each want in their marriage. Their lists would probably include words like intimacy, trust, caring, closeness, affection, respect, consideration, selflessness, and probably even sexual pleasure. Chances are as they shared their individual lists they would find they have many more common desires than differences. Realizing that can help them shift from being adversaries under attack to being allies working together. In all honesty they will probably discover that Bill likes loving touch (back rubs, a gentle hand running through his hair, holding hands, or cuddling on the couch watching TV) and that Sally enjoys the exciting release of orgasm when the time is right for her. Defining the parameters of their touching is no longer a win-lose proposition.

Melissa and I have discovered that we're lousy mind readers. When we just assume we know what the other is thinking, feeling, or wanting, we're often wrong, even after forty years of marriage. Now, we may just be unusually stupid or insensitive, but we don't think so. Time and again we hear other couples describe disastrous results of playing guessing games with each other.

We have also discovered that we do much better at connecting with each other when we talk—actually saying words that reveal ourselves. One form of communication is what we call "preambles." Give each other a signal that you've got something important to say. You may even give each other a clear idea of the response you'd like to have. For instance, in this matter of your need for touch it might sound like this:

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