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A 1999 study by the Mayo Clinic confirms that people don't automatically adjust to sleep disturbances. Studying couples where one partner was a chronic snorer, Dr. John Shepard, medical director of the 1999 Mayo Clinic Sleep Disorders Study, reports that "eliminating a patient's snoring. … significantly increased bed partners' quality and quantity of sleep." Researchers found that when a partner snores, the non-snoring partner woke up on average twenty times per hour, even if only briefly. In total, they lost an average of one hour of sleep per night, leading Dr. Shepard to suggest that partners of chronic snorers suffer from a sleep disorder themselves. Yet it's not only snorers who can cause these problems; the presence of other constant disturbances can be just as debilitating.

You want the intimacy of sharing a bed, but you just can't seem to sleep together? Here are some strategies to help save your intimacy—and preserve your sanity in the process.

1. Sleep Child-Free. Parents often allow babies to sleep in bed with them for comfort and convenience. Yet studies show that men, unlike women, often have difficulty sleeping with infants for fear they may roll on them. A compromise may be placing a bassinet next to the bed, so the baby is still near but not disturbing Dad.
   A far more intractable problem occurs when toddlers, most of whom will do anything to snuggle in between Mom and Dad, are permitted to sleep there regularly. The conflict comes when one parent wants to evict the child from the bed, and the other wants the child to stay. Not only is reaching a solution between yourselves difficult, you also have a toddler who will fight tooth and nail to stay put.
   Nick and Julie had such a problem. After Julie finished nursing Alison, she wanted to put Alison back into her own bed. Nick didn't want to deal with Alison's protests and thought Alison should stay. But Julie, the lighter sleeper, felt Alison interfered with their love life and with her sleep. When Chase was born, and they had four people in one bed, Julie couldn't stand it anymore. Nick eventually agreed to move the children, and Julie felt like she got her life back.
   Not all experts agree with Julie's solution. Dr. William Sears, author of The Family Bed, says that co-sleeping (in which the family sleeps in one bed) is the most natural form of sleeping, one that has been the norm for thousands of years. But while this arrangement may have worked well when families had only one bed and needed each other for warmth, it doesn't work as well now. Some families certainly enjoy sleeping together. But most of us will be unable to sleep with small thrashers, because we're not used to sleeping with others kicking and crawling on top of us.
   Dr. Richard Ferber, in his book, Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems, presents a strategy for teaching children to sleep in their own room, in which you put them to bed at set times and allow them to cry, checking on them at intervals to let them know you still love them. It may take some time before children adjust, but they will emerge with an ability to comfort themselves and they will respect order and schedules. In the process, your marriage, and especially your sex life, are bound to improve.
   
   

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