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Through tears and outrage, Dan couldn't believe I could do such a thing, but he eventually guessed it was Anthony.

Desperate to get away and confused over Anthony, I quit my job and convinced Dan to let me take the children with me to live at my mother's. While I was gone Dan turned into a thin ghost. Whenever he picked up the kids from my mother's, I noticed his hands trembled violently. He blamed himself for my affair, and I tried to convince him that though there were things he needed to change, it was something within me that had caused it.

Eventually after Anthony returned to his wife, quit his job, and moved away, I returned to our house like a wounded animal. Dan and I started over by putting God and the children first. We joined a group Bible study together and I spent a lot of time reading my Bible and praying.

We also went to a Christian psychologist for counseling, but I didn't say I felt no romantic love for Dan. Knowing I'd injured him, I volunteered more information than was necessary each time I went out, even if it was just to buy groceries. Gradually the trembling in Dan's hands disappeared as he began to trust me again.

He joined me for walks and we used that time to dream new dreams for our family. Our discussions were never about the emotional or romantic side of our relationship but about helping each other accomplish personal goals.

Two years later, walking to my new job, I realized I hadn't thought of Anthony in months. Some healing had come. But I still didn't feel romantic love for Dan. Each night as we slept in our queen-sized bed, I was thankful it was big enough so we wouldn't accidentally touch. I still turned my head when he tried to kiss me.

Feeling unable to make love with Dan and normally a non-drinker, I began to drink wine to the point of intoxication in order to meet Dan's sexual needs every few months. Pleading that this was the only option, Dan put up with my façade for several years.

Because of the extreme emotional pain my affair had caused, I was sure I could never be tempted again. While reading romance novels doesn't cause everyone to look for love outside of their marriage, I recognized it as a temptation for me and I stopped reading romances when Dan and I got back together. But I felt there would be no harm in listening to sensual music. And once again, I started to go for long drives or walks and live in a fantasy. I was sure that this time, though, I could maintain control over my mind.

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