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The Compare Snare
What to do if you think your spouse doesn't "stack up" to someone else's
Suzanne Woods Fisher
 1 of 3
Kathy planned a wonderful vacation for her 39th birthday in which she whisked away her 12-year-old daughter, Libby, to meet their best friends, Hally and daughter, Brooke. Living far from each other, the two women chose a mid-point city to rendezvous, anticipating a week of shopping, theater, restaurants, and intense "girl time." The week sounded heavenly.
It wasn't.
As the two friends caught up each other on family news, Kathy found herself quietly comparing her life to Hally's. Kathy's life seemed less wonderful, her husband less adoring, her children less accomplished. "The comparisons started so subtly," confides Kathy. "Hally's husband had left notes in her suitcase and called her frequently. My husband didn't even call on my birthday. I started to feel he was neglectful."
Then Kathy started to compare her daughter, Libby, to Brooke. "Brooke was so interested in the art museums we visited," Kathy says. "She loves theater and threw herself into lively conversations about each play we saw. But Libby was interested only in shopping."
Their last day was Sunday, so the four ladies attended a church Kathy had heard about. The message that week? "The sin of comparing!" Kathy says. "I felt God was talking directly to me. Finally, I prayed, 'God, I want to see my family for the wonderful people they are and appreciate their uniqueness. I know you created them and they're exactly whom you made them to be. But I struggle with whom I think they should be. Please help me appreciate the things I have.'"
What's the big deal?
Can anything good come out of comparing yourself to another? Yes, insists Dr. Laura Schlessinger in her book The Ten Commandments: "When you look upon someone with respect for what they are or do, you can want to be like that person. You can feel inspired, motivated, and elevated by their example to demonstrate compassion, discipline, piety, courage, effort, persistence, sensitivity, charity, and a search for knowledge. In other words, you can and should envy the goodness of others by becoming like them."
Yet Kathy didn't use her comparisons in a positive way. Instead she turned it into envy—a feeling of discontent and resentment brought about by the desire to possess something that wasn't hers. The Bible warns us repeatedly of the power of envy. God thought it was so important he listed it as one of the Ten Commandments: "Do not covet"—a prohibition about what goes on in our minds.
Comparing and coveting aren't passive feelings. If unchecked, they can hurt us. Envy can lead to a deep dissatisfaction, insists psychologist Maria Nemeth. This dissatisfaction can, in turn, lead to a depressing, debilitating cycle of feeling deprived and angry. A pattern of comparing and coveting can take root in our thinking and become sinful. The Bible tells us to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5). Clearly, God's concerned with our thoughts. But what's at stake when we indulge our propensity to compare?
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