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Q. My husband spends most of his time on our computer and stays there until late into the night, usually coming to bed between 2 and 3 A.M. I feel as if he prefers the computer to spending time with me! Am I being overly sensitive or expecting too much that he come to bed at a decent hour?

A. You aren't being too sensitive and you have some good reasons to be concerned. At best your husband has an unhealthy habit and at worst he may be involved with unhealthy "chat rooms" and/or becoming addicted to Internet pornography. Our experience has taught us that in the vast majority of cases when a man consistently stays up late with his computer he's involved in either of those two things.

Your first step is to "speak the truth in love" and directly express your concerns to him with clarity and compassion. Prayerfully consider what might be the most effective time, place, and way for you to talk with him. What are some ways you've approached him in the past that weren't effective? Do you have any communication habits that put him on the defensive? Did you start by being accusatory or critical of him? Did your frustration and fear get the best of you and cause you to come across as attacking? Did you over-generalize and use all-or-nothing statements such as "you always" or "you never"?

Begin the conversation by communicating your love for him, your desire to have a strong, healthy, and mutually satisfying marriage, and then be specific in addressing your concerns. You might tell him, "My perception is that we're moving further apart and I'm afraid for you, for me, for our marriage, and for our family." Make sure you use "I" statements to help him understand how this is a problem for you.

In addition to this more "problem-focused" approach we encourage you to initiate "growth-focused" communication. Ask yourself the following questions to provide new insights on how to re-engage your spouse:

How long has this been a problem? What was different about your relationship before it became a problem? Did you do anything different in your interactions with him? Did you spend more time together? Did you laugh more? Did you pray more? Did you do more with friends? Were you more involved with church activities?

Your husband may be totally blind as to how his "affair" is a problem for him, for you, or for the marriage. If that's the case, check out Tom Whiteman's new book, Your Marriage and the Internet. If your husband doesn't respond to any of these suggestions, you may need to talk with your pastor. We've seen some cases where these suggestions were enough and other cases where it took the pastor and some male friends initiating an "intervention" for the problem to be solved.

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