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That's the key—you've both got to enjoy it. If he likes tennis but she doesn't, don't go to the courts together. If she likes running but he hates it, don't pound the pavement as a pair. What do you enjoy doing together? Start by making a long list of activities, then circle those you both enjoy. Suggestions include antique collecting, racquetball, camping, canoeing, table games, puzzles, cooking, dancing, hiking, jogging, swimming, traveling, attending plays/concerts, golf, hitting the gym, taking a Sunday drive.

It doesn't have to be strenuous. Just find things you both like, and do at least one of them weekly.

Be encouraging
Never underestimate the power of a positive spouse. When your mate boosts your self-confidence, your options seem limitless. We all know we should try to avoid negative words to a spouse. But we need more than just the absence of the negative; we require a regular diet of the positive. Without it our spirit—and thus our marriage—withers.

A University of Alabama study found that successful families are made up of encouragers—of "diamond hunters," says researcher Nick Stinnett. "They dig through the rough looking for the good in each other." So praise your partner—in the little, routine things, and in the things that matter to him or her most. Focus on who your spouse is, not only on what he or she does.

Clear the air
There's enough wear and tear on any given couple that a monthly meeting to keep things running smoothly should almost be mandatory. Set aside an hour or two to:

• explore unfinished business, such as unpaid bills, whether the kids should be disciplined a certain way, or whether you're overextended by singing in the choir as well as teaching Sunday school
• discuss ways to overcome loneliness; disclose your real feelings and have a heart-to-heart about what's going on with both of you
• review the last month's purchases in your checkbook and on your credit card; are either or both of you ignoring a potential money problem?
• discuss your emotional needs; if you're feeling neglected or if you're wanting to be admired, say so
• admit to the things that made you angry in the last month; then release your vindictiveness, asking God to protect you both from the reemergence of angry feelings
• protect each other from "hurry sickness," asking how you can slow down your pace next month
• update each other on how well you know your spouse; ask what he or she would like you to know.

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