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This research may uncover significant events or issues, such as alcoholism, divorces, deaths, suicides. Who was involved? What were they like and what were their relationships like? To whom were those people close and whom did they seek to avoid? Answering these questions can point to generational patterns.

I caution couples not to blame anyone for the problems they're having. They must take full responsibility for themselves and their marriage. The goal is to find freedom from these generational patterns, rising above the negative influences of the past.

When dealing with the past, resolution can only come through forgiveness. When I note this, couples usually say, "I've already forgiven them" or, "I'll never forgive them!"

As Christians, we often feel pressure to forgive too quickly, and we end up not fully forgiving at all. We need to work through the emotions and/or consequences of what we've forgiven. And the more serious the offense, the more time it may take.

The other option is never to forgive. Our hurts from the past may be so deep that even the thought of forgiving is beyond us. But whatever we don't forgive from our past will always seek to express itself in our present relationships.

Often we don't forgive because of misunderstandings about the nature of forgiveness. One is that if I forgive, I must forget. We think we must forget because God forgives and forgets: "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more" (Jeremiah 31:34). God can forgive and forget because he doesn't need to learn anything in the process. We forgive and remember because the memories help us learn important lessons about our relationships.

Another misunderstanding is the fear that if we forgive, we somehow condone the hurtful behavior. But forgiveness never turns an evil act into something good. Forgiving only cancels the debt; it doesn't mean the debt never existed. And it certainly never erases an evil. Nor does it let the other person "off the hook." Forgiving frees us from bitterness and resentment and breaks generational patterns.

A third misunderstanding is that forgiveness and reconciliation are the same. We think if we forgive, we must be reconciled to that person, regardless of what the person says or does. That's wrong. We can have forgiveness without reconciliation, but we can't have reconciliation without forgiveness. Forgiveness requires only my effort to accomplish the task; reconciliation requires that both of us enter the process.

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