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Home > Marriage > Help & Healing > When Marriage Feels Like War!


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When Marriage Feels Like War!
The greatest joys in our marriage don't come without a fight.
Steven Curtis Chapman with Mark Moring | posted 9/30/2008




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My mom was in town a few days later visiting my brother, and she dropped by just to check on us. Mary Beth's parents were still there, and stress levels were soaring.

Mary Beth was still sorting out the raw emotions of being a brand-new mom. We were both grieving the loss of our apartment and our stuff. Mary Beth's parents were doing everything they could to help us, and they couldn't understand why my parents hadn't been there all along to help too—even though I'd told my parents we were okay.

Then all those emotions blew up into a huge argument. I'm not sure what all was said. But the picture I remember was my wife standing on one side of the room with her parents, and they said, "Well, we may just take our daughter back to Ohio." My mom was on the other side, crying and saying, "Then we'll just take our son back to Kentucky."

For me, it was a moment of truth. I could see that an enemy was trying to destroy our marriage. My in-laws weren't the enemy, and my parents weren't the enemy. Then I did something that freaked out everybody, including myself. I screamed at the top of my lungs, "Satan will not have this family!"

Everybody just got really quiet and stared at me like I was some kind of weirdo. But it was something I had to do.

Mary Beth and I have talked about that day many times. She agrees that Satan was trying to wreck our marriage.

That intense scene helped us define our role as a couple, as an entity separate from our families. Mary Beth was still a daddy's girl, and I was wondering when I'd get to take over the role of being the man in her life.

I got my answer that day. After all those emotions were exposed, I sat down with Mary Beth, my in-laws, and my mom. I also called my dad so he could be part of the conversation. I said, "Dad, something important happened today, and you need to understand I'm really leaving you and Mom and I'm cleaving to my wife. Mary Beth has to know where my loyalties lie, and I hope she does the same thing."

She did. And still does.

That battle won, we then turned to finding a new home and building our lives together. But the war wasn't over. Still isn't.

Not without a fight

I've come to realize that marriage isn't the neat and tidy, happily-ever-after business of fairy tales. Unfortunately, Cinderella and the Prince didn't go on to write about how they dealt with realizing they were two very different people with quirks and warts. We never find out how they dealt with in-laws, diaper duty, challenges with careers and callings, different seasons of life and the devastating changes they can bring, past wounds and scars, and the list goes on and on.




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