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Don't Say You're Sorry
Surprise! "Sorry' may not be the best way to end an argument.
Chuck Lynch | posted 9/30/2008
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When we confess our sins to God, we aren't informing him of something we did that escaped his notice. Confession is our verbal acknowledgment that what we did was wrong.
Since our marriages are to reflect our relationship with God, we must follow the same procedure in restoring fellowship with our mate as we do with God. The apostle James strongly encourages the practice of confession when he writes, "Confess your sins to each other," then, "pray for each other" (James 5:16).
No emotion required
I clarified with Mark that I wasn't saying he should never tell his wife he was sorry. But I asked him how he thought Jill would react if he said honestly, "I was wrong for …"
"I don't know," came his puzzled reply. I explained that he had the power to reduce a two-hour argument to a few short minutes. Why? Because many heated arguments focus on getting the other person to admit they were wrong. It's tough to argue with a person who says, "I was wrong."
Then I explained that even when he didn't do anything wrong, he should still acknowledge her perspective and assure her that he'll weigh it carefully.
What a difference
The following week, I asked Mark how it went. He reported that two things had happened. Because he wanted to avoid having to say he was wrong, he was more alert to his behavior. Then he said, "I did mess up, but I took a deep breath and said, 'I was wrong for making that sarcastic comment.'" He added, "In fact, I even asked her to forgive me. Man, what a difference! We argued less and talked more. And it seems as if she's beginning to respect me more." Then with a twinkle in his eye, he added, "Our intimacy made a big u-turn, too. I guess we're both winners now."
Chuck Lynch, president of Living Foundation Ministries and author of I Should Forgive, But … and You Can Work It Out! (both W Publishing), lives in Missouri.
Copyright © 2003 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine. Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.
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