Handling Hidden Differences | MarriagePartnership.com

Four Marriage Germs

Often hidden during the early years, these "germs," produced by our differences, can cause swelling anger, long-term pain, and ultimately, can become destructive to your marriage.

Withdrawing. One or both partners consistently retreat from conflict rather than deal with it. Big issues are left unresolved. Withdrawing from an argument only magnifies its potential for destruction later.

Antidote: Deal with conflict head-on, that same day. But allow for a short time of withdrawal if it helps make you more comfortable when you confront the issue. Talk more. Listen more. Ask each other for forgiveness.
Escalating. Arguments frequently spiral out of control, with each exchange becoming nastier than the last. Tempers flare and hurtful words are hurled back and forth.

Antidote: When either of you recognizes that an argument is beginning to escalate, call a time-out. Don't resume the argument until you've both calmed down and can acknowledge each other's opinions, concerns, and expectations.
Belittling. Scripture says we should think of others as more valuable than ourselves (Philippians 2:3). Belittling is the opposite. One partner is saying, directly or indirectly, "My opinion is superior to yours. I'm more educated. I'm the better here. So don't you get it? Follow my directions, because you're inferior to me."

Antidote: Listen to your partner's concerns, values, and beliefs. Let him know you value what he says, even if you don't agree.
Developing negative beliefs. One partner consistently thinks the other's motives are more negative than they really are. Such as: "She's trying to bankrupt us," or "He's a mean person." Then when you don't talk about it, that belief grows. You begin to spot evidence within your mate to support that belief, even if it isn't true.

Antidote: Guard your conversations against things your mate could take negatively—especially if they become a pattern. On the other end, keep an eye out for evidence that disproves your opinion.

—J.K.

To find out how couples at any stage of marriage can defuse those time bombs, MP talked with the experts among experts: Gary and Norma Smalley. Gary's one of America's best-known authors and speakers on marriage and family relationships. His numerous books—including Making Love Last Forever—and videos about marriage have touched millions of couples. He and Norma also founded the Smalley Relationship Center in their hometown of Branson, Missouri, both as a base for their worldwide ministry and as a counseling and research center. Much of what Gary and Norma say about making a marriage work comes from the ups and downs of their own 38-year marriage. Here's what they had to say.

MP: They say that the longer two people are married, the more alike they become. Has that been true for the two of you?

Gary: We have the kind of personality differences that make the experts say it's impossible for us to work together. Norma is detailed, organized, and tense, and I'm just the opposite. The experts who work for us now, who do the personality tests, say there's no way on earth we should even be married or stay married, and we'll never be able to work together. So it's been only by the grace of God that we're still together.

Norma: One of the reasons we're still married is that we vigilantly maintain a friendship. We make sure we have a consistent weekly date night. When I talk with people who are going through their second half of marriage and experiencing such a difficult change when their kids are gone, I notice they didn't protect their friendship with each other.

MP: They've been so busy they didn't work at growing their marriage over the years?

Norma: Right. With some couples I've known, I've thought, Wow, why are you getting divorced? If you've made it for 15 or 20 years, can't you hang on? Well, in the second half of marriage, especially when the nest is empty, unresolved anger will probably surface. Let's say a husband and a wife both have a tendency to withdraw. They've just swept things under the carpet and moved on. Then, all of a sudden, the kids are gone and now all that "stuff" surfaces because they have more time to focus on it.

MP: Are there warning signs for couples who might unknowingly be planting seeds for those kinds of problems?

Gary: There are four reasons—I call them relationship germs—that cause more than 90 percent of divorce in America: withdrawing, escalating, belittling, and developing negative beliefs. They all have to do with negotiating your differences. All four of those relationship germs produce anger. So if you monitor anger every day, and clear it up, you stay emotionally out of the dark and more connected with each other.