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Q. After 18 years of marriage, my wife told me our sex life is dull. Now I'm afraid to initiate sex for fear she'll get bored. What can we do to make things more than routine and for me to gain back my confidence?

A. After 18 years of marriage, sex can get dull. In fact if a couple doesn't work at it, all of marriage can sink into a sameness that saps the excitement out of everything. That's why so many couples split up when the children leave home.

The good news is that it doesn't have to be that way. The secret lies not in avoidance born of fear, but in accepting the challenge and finding ways to woo and win back your wife—and not just in bed.

We could give you a formula, but our formula probably wouldn't work for you. Melissa can give you a list of things that light her fire, but you're not married to her. (Louis is the only one who gets that list!) And your wife has her own list. That's the one you need. Here are some ideas about discovering what those things are:

Since most women are more interested in relationship than physical sex, your best avenue to make things exciting again is to work on the relationship. She needs to hear you talk about your feelings, memories of great times with her, your thoughts and opinions. There's a delicate balance of maleness that's exciting to women: strength combined with tenderness. The tenderness she wants is on an emotional level. Try talking about the feelings you just described to us. Let her in on your fears and longings, and listen well when she talks about her fears and longings. This will increase your closeness, which will naturally lead to more physical affection and perhaps sex. But don't make sexual intercourse your goal. Instead have "oneness" as the destination. Your fear will dissipate as you express it verbally. Then you won't have to struggle with it and can focus on your wife and her needs. Otherwise, she'll sense intuitively that you're afraid—which isn't attractive to most women.

But another tip? Just flat out ask her what you can do to make things more exciting in the bedroom. We bet she'd love to be able to tell you.

Q. My husband has a lower sex drive than I do. He's fine with once a week; I'd be fine with every other day. Our involvement at church and our careers keep us busy, but not stressed. He refuses to visit a physician to see if there's a physical problem. He wants to have children in the future, which I'm open to, but from everything I've read, couples have sex less often after children arrive—and I'm unsatisfied with the frequency as it is now! Help!

A. Our first question is about how your sexual "dance" looks. How does your husband respond to your expression of desire and frustration? Who initiates sexual foreplay? Is your sexual interaction mutually satisfying when it does occur? The answers to these aspects of the "dance" may provide useful insights into why your husband doesn't seem motivated. Also, have you had open, honest talks about your sexual desires? If not, give that a try.

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