Home > Marriage > Ever After > End of the Road?
End of the Road?
Maybe I should have listened to my wife's suggestion after all.
Greg Smalley | posted 9/30/2008
 2 of 2
Erin spoke in a calm voice and said, "I believe we can learn a great deal about each other's relational needs by answering this statement: 'I feel loved when you …'"
I gulped and nodded, grateful to have escaped what could have been well-deserved wrath.
"Well," she said, "I feel loved when you ask AAA about our trip route."
Touché.
I learned something valuable that day. Relational needs require constant attention! Having relational needs met is what we'd like to have happen within our marriage. They're our wants, desires, and the things that make us feel loved or cared for.
So what's a great, easy way to look out for our mate's relational needs? Dr. John Gottman, professor of psychology at the University of Washington, discovered the difference between an unhappy couple who divorces and an unhappy couple who stays together is 10 minutes a day of "turning toward" each other. By this, he means that a couple must "turn toward" each other every day through positive words or affirmative interactions.
But Gottman also found that couples who stay together and are happy "turn toward" each other an additional 10 minutes more each day than unhappily married couples. So just 20 minutes of daily "turning toward each other" in substantial ways can make the difference between divorce and staying together in a happy satisfying relationship.
If I would have "turned toward" Erin to contact AAA, I'd have met her relational needs—and we would have arrived at the conference sooner and much more happily!
Greg Smalley, Ph.D., is president/CEO of the Smalley Relationship Center. For more information on the Smalley Relationship Center, go to www.smalleyonline.com.
Copyright © 2003 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine. Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.
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