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I was stunned, confused, and heartbroken.

Our pastor set up Christian counseling for me. But everything felt like a bad dream.

After a few weeks, John contacted me and apologized for his behavior. He begged me to attend a marriage conference the next weekend. Since it was in a public place, I agreed.

At the conference we talked, cried, and agreed to counseling. John promised to quit drinking and begged forgiveness. He confessed he'd cancelled insurance to pay bills, and his customers were suing him for unfinished work projects. I felt sorry for him. I knew I didn't want to go through another divorce—especially since I was pregnant. So I prayed God would restore our marriage.

We began counseling, and after several weeks I started to trust and forgive him. I returned home—only to have John's cycles repeat.

My health deteriorated and my obstetrician told me I could lose the baby. So again, I moved in with a friend, while my daughter stayed with her father.

The worst was when I received messages from John's kids that they were frightened by their dad. But I felt helpless to do anything.

The following weeks were a nightmare of John's harassing phone messages, mixed with sweet attempts to gain forgiveness. He filed for divorce one day; a day later he withdrew it. One minute he said he loved me, then hours later said it was over, that he'd never loved me. I rode a roller coaster of emotions. For some reason, however, I believed John wasn't an abuser.

I felt John's genuine remorse when he apologized. I believed him when he said he wanted to be the "good John" not the "bad John." I'd never been around anyone with mental illness before, so I never thought John might be suffering from that.

After two weeks, we agreed to meet at a restaurant to discuss reconciliation again. This time I insisted on longer counseling for his anger problem and mood swings. He agreed, pleading for forgiveness. Then, unexpectedly he became belligerent. I felt physically threatened as he poked his fingers in my face, blaming me for his problems.

I left and called the police to obtain a restraining order. My due date was three months away. I didn't know this man, so I wondered what else he hadn't told me before we were married. I investigated court records to see if he'd been convicted of anything. Sure enough, I discovered John had a hidden history of judgments, liens, levies, and financial problems.

I stayed with church families. On Sundays, I listened to the pastor who'd married us speak about God's plan for marriage. I wondered, How could God orchestrate this marriage, only to destroy any chance of normalcy for my baby and me?

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