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Q. My male friend and I have both had marital problems. We started to meet at lunch to be a source of Christian support for each other. However, somehow, something more happened. While we haven't been physically intimate, we've confessed feelings for each other and have even admitted to having fantasies of being together as a couple. We find ourselves sneaking to meet, and lying to our spouses about it. Is there any chance of maintaining our friendship on a platonic level after having confessed such things to each other? Should we confess these feelings to our spouses, even though nothing physical occurred?

A. Your first big mistake was choosing to get "Christian support" by meeting one-on-one with someone of the opposite sex. Trust us when we say that is never a good idea. Never! In Proverbs 4:23 we're told, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do" (NLT). Meeting with an opposite sex person under the rationalization of Christian support is an almost guaranteed set-up for the trap you've fallen into.

You're in the middle of an emotional affair, and unless you make a radical decision, the next step will be for it to become physical. An emotional affair can be as damaging and difficult to stop as a physical one, and the only way out is to break off the relationship immediately. Don't kid yourself. You can't merely step back, change the rules, and pursue a platonic relationship as if nothing's happened.

Should you confess your emotional affair to your spouses? In most cases you need to tell your spouse. From what you've said, this emotional affair has involved dishonesty and duplicity. That needs to be confessed to God and to your spouse. It's often helpful if this is done in the context of meeting with your pastor or a trained Christian counselor. Something's lacking in your marriage, and that needs to be identified and dealt with in ways that can free you to receive "Christian support" from your husband, same-sex friends, and some wise counselors.

Q. My wife and I have been married three years. She talks to her mom every day on the phone, and when we visit her parents, it's as if I don't exist. Is this normal, or am I correct to feel defensive?

A. Based on the clear teaching of Scripture as well as the results of relationship research, we know that one of the essential ingredients to a healthy marriage is that we "leave" our family-of-origin and "cleave" to our spouse. While it sounds simple, for many it's much easier said than done.

It's always tempting to see these situations as a problem to be solved rather than an opportunity to grow. It's great that your wife and her mom have a close relationship. However, it's time for her primary relationship to be with you rather than her mom.

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