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What were my options? Separation. Divorce. Death. Complete emotional shut-down. But every option would only compound the suffering for Dave and our children. I was trapped, suffocating. Everywhere I turned there was only pain. My emotions, even more than our circumstances, became my worst enemy.

Several weeks later, I read the words of the psalmist: "They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me" (Psalm 18:18-19).

God set me free that day. He helped me realize I don't have to obey what I feel; I obey God. That thought transformed me, and God gave me the strength to go on.

My love is a gift to Dave. What we had before was reciprocal love, what the Greeks called "phileo" love. It had never been tested—we never had to "agape" love each other. Agape love is loving no matter what the return. It's the kind of love God gives us; it draws us to him. If my dear Dave comes out of this, our love will be forever changed.

God actually gives us a great gift in suffering, because that's the closest we can come to agape-loving God, loving God without receiving the blessing we long for (although I'd still say God has blessed us in many ways).

Loving my husband has become extremely gratifying to me. I've learned about truly honoring and respecting another person. I don't value Dave for what he can do for me, but because God has placed value on him. God bought Dave with the blood of Christ, and has placed his Holy Spirit in him.

Lyme Disease, when treated early, is curable. At the later stages doctors hope to put it into remission. While Dave hasn't achieved that yet, he's slowly improving. We now have short conversations most days. Although we want more, we enjoy the gift of reclaiming our marriage.

I long for my best friend, for the joy of intimacy we once shared. But that's not really what love is about. It's an added blessing to be cherished, but love is really about living 1 Corinthians 13. We take joy in our love for our spouse, not merely because of what he or she does for us, but because to love is an incredible gift and joy from God.

Merry Marinello, a freelance author, lives in Illinois. Visit Merry at www.hopeismyanchor.com

Copyright © 2004 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine. Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.

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