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Wife first, mother second. That phrase resonated in my mind as I considered the request Mark had made. I'd first learned it in my early mothering years after reading Elise Arndt's book, A Mother's Touch. While I valued the concept, I struggled with the practical side of making it happen.

Marriage-centered, not child-centered. Another phrase Mark and I had learned in a parenting course we took at our church. It was now foundational to how we operated within our family, but so hard to live out!

I reluctantly made the decision to meet Mark in Chicago. It was a choice to do what was right at that moment, and I hoped a feeling of excitement would follow once I got there. After helping the kids with their homework, we ate an early dinner, and I secured our 18-year-old daughter to baby-sit overnight. I quickly packed a bag, kissed everyone goodbye, and headed out the door.

Mark and I have been married 21 years. Eleven of those we'd describe as "happily married." That would be our last 11 years. Our first 10 years were extremely difficult. In year seven we found ourselves in a marriage counselor's office, wondering how we ended up in this mess. We had three children, Mark was finishing college, and I was active in our church and community.

In our journey to get our marriage back on track, we realized our life had been revolving around our children—a huge factor in our marriage mess. It was throwing us off balance. Mark and I had begun to let our children run things at home, including how much time we spent together as a couple. We didn't want to leave the kids because they'd have "separation anxiety." We both feared that something might happen to them if we left them in the care of someone else. We didn't live near family, so childcare was always a problem.

We'd become so child-centered that we didn't have time for each other. And our marriage was deteriorating because of it.

We didn't realize the very thing we desired to give our children—a secure home environment—would happen only when our children knew they lived with a mom and a dad who loved each other. This knowledge would provide the stability for which they longed.

Too many of us become parents and then place our marriage on the back burner. It's impossible to keep the fire ignited without some strategic attention to the fuel that keeps it burning. When we realized our marriage was suffering from a lack of attention because of the demands of rearing a family, we discovered these seven strategies that allowed us to keep our marriage a priority.

A phone call in the middle of the afternoon, an e-mail sent during the day, an "I love you" note slipped into a briefcase or a purse to be found at a later time—all of these thoughtful efforts declare loudly, "I'm thinking of you!"

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