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Marriage Partnership, Spring 2005
MP Special Section: A Marriage Revolution
Why Forgive?
It's more about you than you think.
By Neil T. Anderson
I was their last resort. Kurt and Mary (not their real names) called me in the middle of an argument.
"Dr. Anderson, you have to come and help us," Mary said angrily. After talking with her briefly, I was afraid if I didn't show up, their argument would result in domestic violence!
I'm making a house call police officers don't even like to make! I thought as I got into my car.
I played referee for a couple hours until they'd worn themselves out. This Christian couple had made enemies of each other. And forgiveness was the furthest thing from what they wanted to discuss.
"I've listened to your arguments and frustrations," I started. "Here's the overriding reality. Before God we're responsible for our own character and the needs of the other person. You two have been ripping each other's character while looking out for your own needs. You're struggling in your marriage because you're struggling in your spiritual life."
They were stunned. They hadn't connected their marital troubles with how they were doing in their individual relationships with God. But the Bible is clear: "If someone says, 'I love God,' but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don't love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we have not seen?" (1 John 4:20, NLT).
What makes a Christian marriage work is to forgive from our hearts, just as Jesus forgave us. He did so by taking our sins upon himself. For us, forgiving others means we're willing to live with the consequences of our spouse's sins.
But why forgive?
1. To help us mature in our faith. God's intention in marriage is that we hang in there and grow up. In Colossians Paul writes: "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (3:13).
It's in the context of committed relationships where we either learn to be kind, patient, and loving, or we blow apart. Loving each other inevitably means that we forgive each other—and keep on forgiving as Jesus instructed in Matthew 18:21-22. When Peter asked Jesus how many times we should forgive someone, "Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
Yes, you may be tempted to keep a written log of how many times you've forgiven your spouse! But Jesus was really saying we need to forgive as many times as we are offended. It may seem unfair, especially when we feel as though we're the ones always doing the forgiving. Yet, forgiveness calls us to grow in character, which is ultimately most pleasing to God.
2. To keep bitterness away. In the close confinement of our homes, we'll say or do things that are offensive to our mate. Even the best of us will feel hurt, put down, or rejected. But if we let a root of bitterness spring up, the writer of Hebrews says that it will "defile many" (12:15). Our unforgiveness grows to bitterness and affects everyone. It erupts in anger and brings disease, stress, pain. Bitterness is like swallowing a bottle of poison hoping the other person will die.
Excuses, excuses
So many times we know we should forgive, we understand what God says about the importance of forgiveness, but still we fight it. Here are some excuses I hear from couples.
It's not fair. Of course it isn't, but we all live with the consequences of another person's sin. For instance, we're stuck with the consequence of Adam's and Eve's sin. And on the marriage front, since it's God's will that we remain married, the only real choice we have is whether we want to live out those consequences of our spouse's sin in the bondage of bitterness or the freedom of forgiveness.
But you don't know how bad he (or she) hurt me! That's not the issue. Your spouse may still hurt you. But forgiveness is how you stop the pain.
I have to heal first—then I'll be able to forgive. Research shows over and over that forgiveness brings healing, not the other way around.
But I want revenge! The writer of Hebrews reminds us, "For we know him who said, 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay'" (10:30). We have to trust that God will even the score and make things right.
Why should I let him (or her) off the hook? If you don't forgive, you're still hooked to that offense. You'll gain freedom from the past if you let your spouse off your hook. But remember, your spouse isn't off God's hook.
Where's the justice? It's in the cross. Jesus died for your sins, and my sins, and his sins, and her sins.
Sloppy forgiveness
Forgiveness doesn't mean we offer cheap grace, though. Here are two statements I often hear that offer faux forgiveness.
I'll just try to forget about it, because God forgot my sins. True, God remembers our sin no more. But we can't just will ourselves to forget. I like to think we remember because we can learn from it. The most important part of "forgetting" our spouse's sin is that we don't take the past and use it against our spouse—just as God doesn't use our sins against us. The one who keeps bringing up past offenses hasn't forgiven.
I'll keep forgiving even though he never changes, since that's what Jesus calls me to do. Yes, Jesus asks us to forgive over and over, but he never asks us to put up with wrong behavior. When Jesus forgave, he told the person, "Go and sin no more." Part of offering grace is to set clear-cut boundaries that protect us from further abuse. Forgiving from our heart isn't being a punching bag. Although the Lord forgives, he doesn't tolerate sin, and neither should we.
True forgiveness
The closer we connect to God and understand the forgiveness he's given us, the more able we are to forgive our spouse. If we struggle with forgiveness, we can pray something such as: "Lord, I forgive my husband for (list every offense that God brings to mind), because it made me feel (rejected, unwanted, judged, small). Heal my damaged emotions and bless my husband."
Remember, you're the only one who can keep yourself from being the person and spouse God created you to be. We don't just forgive the other person for his sake; we forgive for our own emotional, physical, and spiritual health. If you'll assume responsibility to grow in Christ, and forgive those around you, the family can be the kind of environment where everybody wins.
Neil T. Anderson, Ph.D., founder and president emeritus of Freedom in Christ Ministries, is co-author of The Christ Centered Marriage (Regal Books).
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How to forgive
Okay, we all know we should forgive—after all, that's what Christ commands us to do. But how exactly do we forgive? MP went to Everett L. Worthington Jr., executive director of the Templeton Foundation's Campaign for Forgiveness Research, to find out.
1. Acknowledge the hurt. The first step is to allow yourself to say, I was hurt/offended when my spouse did/said this. Sometimes we deny the pain. We think, That hurt didn't matter. Instead of suppressing our feelings, we must come to grips with them. Instead of turning from the pain and anger, we must face them.
2. Gently confront. When a transgression occurs, ask for an explanation. Rather than saying, "You barbarian! You have the sensitivity of gravel. How could you do such a horrid thing to me? Don't you love me?" ask, "When you insulted me, I was surprised. You're usually very sensitive. Can you tell me what was going on?" This is more respectful and will usually keep the door open for genuine dialogue.
3. Pray. Sometimes recalling a hurt or offense can throw us into a tailspin. So here's what to pray for and about:
- to protect your mind, to focus on the forgiveness aspect rather than the negative thoughts
- for the Holy Spirit to be your comforter
- for a gift of empathy.
It's difficult to empathize with a spouse who has hurt us. But we can ask God to work actively within us to help us see things from our spouse's point of view, to help us understand why our mate did or said the things that hurt or bothered us—even if that's against our natural desires.
4. Strive for humility. When we're wronged, it's easy to feel morally superior. To forgive, though, I need to see myself as not so different from my offender. By recognizing that there have been plenty of times when I've hurt my spouse, sometimes intentionally, I can see, in humility, our similarities. Then I think of the times I've received forgiveness. How many times has God forgiven me? How many times have other people, including my spouse, forgiven me?
5. Start with the easiest offenses. If one hurt is too difficult to forgive, try forgiving an easier one. Put the hard one aside until later. Try again tomorrow. If you want to forgive but can't, keep practicing. It may take time, but forgiving happens.
6. Choose to reconcile. Forgiveness can help promote reconciliation, because it softens attitudes. Reconciliation is all about deciding to talk, talking gently in love, empathizing, repairing any hurt feelings (sooner rather than later), and building a sense of loving devotion that both people feel.
7. Anticipate that the wounds will still hurt. When people have worked through the past to reach forgiveness, they often think (irrationally) that they'll never remember the hurt again. If they do recall the hurt and re-experience pain, they think that their forgiveness was a fraud. Not so. A remembered hurt does not equal unforgiveness.
8. Hold on to forgiveness. Don't dwell on negative emotions when you recall the incident. Remind yourself that you've forgiven the person. We can exert self-control to reach forgiveness. Self-control is part of the fruit of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:23), so we don't need to exert it by gut-it-out effort. We can anticipate that God wants to produce self-control in us, so he'll be motivated to help us.
Adapted from Forgiving and Reconciling: Bridges to Wholeness and Hope. Revised edition © 2003 by Everett L. Worthington Jr. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press.
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Copyright © 2005 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine. Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.
Spring 2005, Vol. 22, No. 1, Page 38
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