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Marriage Partnership, Summer 2005
We Still Do!
Couples across America are renewing their vows. Why and how you should, too.
By Caron Chandler Loveless
When much of the news about matrimony is often less than encouraging, there's one bright trend gathering momentum. The movement ranges from intimately private to exuberantly public, and the lengths couples go to express themselves is limited only by their imagination—and budget. The Osbornes did it. Sammy Sosa did it. Robert DeNiro even did it. Couples from Maui to Manhattan are renewing their marriage vows.
There are many compelling reasons to renew your vows: to declare the high priority of your relationship; to remind each other that you're still in this thing together; to start fresh after a time of family crisis; or to create a positive memory, because the first time was less than memorable.
In Savannah, Georgia, each February Rev. William Hester leads a public, interfaith marriage renewal ceremony at the downtown City Market. "I like to tell people," Hester says, "that these renewal vows are, in some ways, more powerful than their original vows. Once we're married we know what it really means to be committed to someone."
When Kathy & Dale Bissette were married, they were young and strapped for cash. "Our wedding could have been mistaken for dinner with the family," Kathy told TheBridalBook.com. Twenty years later, "We wanted the whole shebang," she says, "white wedding gown, big church, limo, caterers, flowers, and more than 200 guests."
During Sherrie and Bob Eldridge's ceremony, their pastor summed up why they chose to renew their vows. "His text was about the Israelites choosing a stone to mark each place of victory in their journey to the Promised Land," Sherrie says. "Our renewal ceremony would be like a stone of remembrance showing God's faithfulness to bring Bob and me through everything."
Meaningful reaffirmations can be as simple as sitting in the parking lot of the church where you were married and reliving your wedding ceremony, or holding hands and silently repeating the vows at someone else's wedding. But if you desire a more intentional vow renewal event, here are several options to consider:
Group or Retreat Renewal Ceremonies
Recommended for: any couple who wants little fuss
Family reunion renewals
$ "Every June, my family gathers for a reunion at the old homestead," says Nancy Sebastian Meyer. "My husband and I had been married ten years when the 100th wedding anniversary of our family's ancestors, our 'founding' couple, came around. That summer we invited everyone to renew their vows in the dining room of the old home. One of our relatives is a pastor who led the ceremony. After he closed with a prayer of praise and commitment, we cut the cake and celebrated."
Church-wide renewals
$ Check to see if your church schedules a yearly recommitment ceremony. If not, why not volunteer to organize one? It can be as simple as planning a prayer at the end of a worship service or as elaborate as a banquet with music, a guest speaker, and group vow renewal. Display original wedding photos and run a contest with prizes for the person who can guess who's who or the one who still looks most like their original photo.
Marriage conferences and seminars
$$ "Each year we offer a vow renewal ceremony that's connected to the material we teach at our conferences," says Pam Farrel, co-director with her husband, Bill, of Masterful Living, an organization dedicated to enhancing and encouraging relationships (www.masterfulliving.com).
Community renewals
$$ Watch your newspaper for announcements about hotels, churches, restaurants, or community groups hosting marriage renewals. Each August for the past several years, more than 200 couples have visited the Don CeSar hotel in St. Petersburg, Florida, to participate in a sunset beachside renewal ceremony.
Personal Renewals
Recommended for: couples who want something more personalized
Renewals with family and friends
$ Janet Holm McHenry and her husband, Craig, claim their reaffirmation was more fun than their wedding. Janet carried one long-stemmed rose for each of their four children who stood with them during the ceremony. She'd saved their original unity candle and liturgy, so Craig and Janet were able to repeat many of the same elements they used the first time. "This time," says Janet, "we understood those vows—because we'd already lived them."
Destination renewals
$$$$ Fly to Maui and AHappyMauiWedding.com will arrange for engraved, Hawaiian-style wedding rings, a custom tailored Hawaiian wedding dress with matching groom's shirt, live island music, and a Royal Hawaiian, Maui Princess Canoe entrance with a conch shell blown in your honor as paddlers escort the "princess" to her "prince" on the beach. Princess, Holland America, and Royal Caribbean, Ltd. cruise lines each offer vow renewal packages during their cruises. For approximately $400 (plus the cost of your cruise) Royal Caribbean will provide an ocean-front location, pre-arranged ceremony, romantic music, a bouquet for the "bride" and boutonniere for the "groom," a vow renewal keepsake certificate, cake for four on an elegant table with fresh flowers and white linen, one 8x10-inch silver-plated frame and photograph, and a personalized bottle of champagne.
Share the moment
If loved ones can't be there, no problem. For approximately $375 YouMayNow.com will set up a custom website to share photos or video of your renewal. The site is good for 90 days. They'll even send out electronic invitations. You provide the guest list and they e-mail invitations that include a hyperlink to view your virtual event.
Whatever motivation or special meaning you choose to bring to it, with a little imagination and attention, renewing your marriage vows can fuse joy in your relationship, draw you closer to your spouse, and provide the momentum you need to continue your life-long journey together.
Caron Chandler Loveless is author of Honey, I Shrunk My Hormones (Howard).
Simple Ways to Commemorate Your Vows
- Don't wait for a special anniversary. On a walk or sitting on the porch after dinner touch your spouse's arm and say, "I want you to know today that I'd gladly marry you all over again."
- Donate a tree to a local park or plant one in your yard, then revisit it each year and compare the growth of the tree to that year's growth in your marriage.
- Surprise your spouse with a visit to several meaningful locations. The bench where he first put his arm around you, the steps where you shared that first kiss. Before you go, write your remembrances of each experience, then read them aloud at that location.
- Take a ride in the same getaway vehicle (or similar one) using the same route you took after your wedding. Talk about the highlights of the journey you've shared as a couple so far.
- Try to remember where you've celebrated your anniversary each year. (The spouse who recalls most accurately wins a massage.)
- Create and celebrate an annual "Spouse's Day"—make it a different day each year.
- Locate a student artist in your community and have a portrait painted to commemorate your special event.
- Stand on the steps of the church or location where you were married, and video tape a message about the joy, peace, and permanence you wish for the marriages of those you love.
—CCL
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A Surprise Second Wedding: One couple's story
"What do you mean you want to marry my daughter? How can you support her before you finish college? I'm not comfortable with this right now."
These discouraging words from my girlfriend's father cast a shadow on the romance of my desired wedding proposal.
I valued the traditional stand that a man seek permission from his loved one's parents before "popping the question." I'd prayed and even contacted a marriage counselor at the Bible college I was attending.
I knew Barb was the woman for me. Her father's wish was for us to wait until I finished college. We reached a compromise, and Barb and I were married 10 months later, when I was a junior. Even though we'd started down the road of wedded bliss, the exciting, romantic proposal had been marred.
Or so I thought.
Through the years as I reflected on our dismal beginning, I wished there was a way to "re-propose."
Wait a minute, I thought one day when we'd been married nine years. Why not "re-propose"? My mind began to swirl with exciting, romantic thoughts. Our tenth anniversary was just around the corner. This would be a perfect time to re-propose to my beautiful bride.
Barb was an instructor in the dental assisting department at the local junior college. I wanted an audience to witness my love and commitment to her.
I decided her students would serve as the audience, and I'd ask her teaching colleague to assist me with carrying out the details.
So a few nights before our anniversary, Barb's coworker asked her to help with a state evaluation they needed to do during that night's lecture. I hired a cameraman (whom Barb believed to be the evaluator) to film the action.
The presentation began with slides of oral surgery cases. Barb was to run the slide projector by switching the slides on cue. The students were busy taking notes until a slide of Barb and me appeared on the screen. It was one of our favorite wedding photos.
This was my cue. I emerged decked out in a black tuxedo with tails, carrying a dozen long stem red roses.
The students squealed and sighed with delight as I walked up to my bride. As I bent on one knee, the auditorium went silent.
"Barb," I said. "My first proposal didn't go as planned. I wanted it to be more meaningful. I know you desired it to be more romantic."
By this time, I could hear scattered sniffles throughout the crowded room.
"I've been blessed to have you as my bride for the past ten years," I continued. "You're a wonderful wife and an awesome mother to our boys." Then my voice began to quiver as I said, "Without question, I would choose you again. So I want to ask you, will you marry me—again?"
Everybody was crying! Through Barb's tears, she whispered, "Yes!"
Immediately, I pulled a fake rose from the center of the bouquet.
I opened the rose to expose a tenth wedding anniversary diamond ring.
After being stormed with congratulations, Barb changed into a formal evening dress that I'd packed for the occasion. While she changed, her coworker and I passed out bags of rice. As we were leaving the building for the waiting limo, the students showered us with the rice.
We had a romantic dinner at the same restaurant as the night we were originally engaged.
The week after my re-proposal, our original pastor renewed our wedding vows. Our boys looked so handsome as they served as ring bearers. We celebrated a second honeymoon with a trip to Hawaii. We'd waited ten years, but God took our discouragement and turned it into joy beyond our greatest imagination.
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Copyright © 2005 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine. Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.
Summer 2005, Vol. 22, No. 2, Page 30
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