Home > Marriage > Real Sex > Arousal Troubles
Arousal Troubles
Also: "Okay without sex"; "It's messy!"; "She's too fat"; "He keeps grabbing me"
By Melissa and Louis McBurney, M.D.
 1 of 3
Q: We've been married three years and though I try to do all the "right" things, it's still difficult to arouse my wife during foreplay. Sometimes the more I touch her the more dry she gets and the whole exercise becomes unpleasant. We're both frustrated!
A. Arousal is a complicated physiological process influenced more by relational and emotional issues than physical stimuli. This is especially true for women. It sounds as though those components may provide keys to your wife's failure to become aroused.
We'd suggest the two of you explore your experiences, attitudes, and expectations about sexual intimacy. Begin by writing out your earliest memories about sexual awareness. Include what images you remember and the feelings and interpretations you made as a child. These memories will likely go back to preschool years. Carry the process throughout your developmental years, identifying the attitudes and expectations your experiences produced. For instance, many women recall sexual abuse, which can cause them to become detached or paralyzed with fear when approached sexually.
Next investigate your courtship. How did your physical expressions of affection impact you? Many couples will overlook or minimize negative feelings during the passion and excitement of dating and marriage.
Finally, compare your interpretations of your relationship. Often couples have quite different impressions. It's easy, in fact normal, for each person to view events through opposing mental filters. The sensitive romantic caresses of a husband may feel like invasion to a wife who hasn't resolved recent conflict or hurt.
Men tend to focus only on the physical aspects of sexual intimacy, while wives are unresponsive when the relational foundation hasn't been laid. No amount of tender caressing will produce vaginal lubrication if her emotional needs aren't met.
Okay without sex
Q. Since having our two children, my husband and I have lost our sex drives and have mutually agreed sex is no longer important. Is there anything wrong with this?
A. If you're both being honest, we see nothing wrong with your chastity agreement. Keep your options open, however, since sexual interest varies throughout seasons of life.
Having children can certainly impact your sexual interests. The fatigue alone could scuttle your romance. Worries of having another baby or being unable to support your family's needs may also contribute. If there are underlying conflicts about your sexual intimacy, investigate those.
Our major concern is that sexual intimacy and physical pleasure are a significant part of our needs. Denying their expression may cause either or both of you to become susceptible to outside sexual attractions. Keep a close watch on your hearts and model physical affection for your children.
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