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So what can you do to improve your communication dance? How can you avoid stepping on each other's toes? For us, it often comes down to what we call "the two-step": clarifying our partner's intent and seeking genuinely to understand.

Consider this example. A wife says to her husband, "This house is a mess—and your mother is coming tomorrow."

What is she saying exactly? It may not be what you think. Consider these clarifications:

Husband: Sounds as if you think the house is a mess.

Wife: I just feel like a failure when I can't keep the house clean—and I know it's going to be like this until the boys are older.

Or Husband: You sound a little depressed, are you all right?

Wife: No, I'm upset that my boss won't give me tomorrow off. I have to work the entire time she's here.

Or Husband: Is my mom's visit stressing you out?

Wife: Actually, I'm glad she'll be here. I just don't have the energy to vacuum.

Or Husband: Is the state of the house really bothering you?

Wife: I need your help so I'll feel comfortable when your mom shows up.

See how it works? A simple inquiry goes a long way to make sure you understand the message. It ensures you stay in step.

The husband could have easily jumped to a number of conclusions, thinking he knew exactly what his partner was saying: She wants me to clean this room, or she wishes my mom wasn't dropping by, or she's feeling depressed. And in each conclusion he may have been wrong. That's why this fundamental skill is so essential.

Not long ago on a flight from Denver to Seattle, we had a communication breakdown as we were trying to talk about laundry. It started when we were thumbing through a magazine and saw a photo of a super cool stackable washer and dryer depicted in a spotless laundry room.

"Why can't our laundry room look like that?" asked Les.

I (Leslie) felt my body stiffen. This wasn't the first time we'd covered this ground. Throughout our marriage we've tossed the chore of washing laundry back and forth. But recently it's been my responsibility, and with two little boys it was becoming more of a challenge.

"If you want to do the laundry now, be my guest," I snapped.

With that, we were off and running. If you were eavesdropping from the seat behind us, you would have never known that we were on our way home from giving a marriage seminar. We weren't even close to practicing what we preach. So we finally resorted to a strategy we developed for just such an occasion.

When stuck in a communication meltdown, we get out our "cheat sheet," which reminds us what's truly important in communication. It's only one sentence: "Seek to understand before being understood."

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