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Q. My wife won't initiate sex. She says it's not dignified for a woman to do that. So I initiate or we don't make love. Our lovemaking would be more exciting if the urge came from her sometimes. What should I do?

A. This is almost every husband's lament. We've rarely met a man who hasn't expressed the desire to have his wife seduce him—it's a huge boost to a man's ego to feel that he's irresistible. Unfortunately, as in your case, not all women can even imagine initiating sex, let alone actually make the first move.

We'd advise you to have a listen with your wife. Notice we didn't say talk with your wife. Set the agenda, tell her what you'd like to discuss, then really listen to her responses. Find out her thoughts, feelings, taboos, and desires regarding sex. Ask her where her ideas about sex were formed—from her childhood? From her church upbringing?

We'd assume she has sexual needs even if she's unaware of them or embarrassed by them. Maybe the two of you could come up with a dignified way of expressing those needs, maybe just a subtle signal you've agreed upon. It might not be as exotic as see-through negligees or stepping into the shower with you. But it could be just as effective if you both know what the "signal" means. It could be as simple as lighting a candle in the bedroom.

It may be unrealistic to expect your wife to become a "siren." But it's possible she could start out with something in code.

Allay her fears by showing her that you understand where she's coming from and that you're willing to be patient and "safe" for her to try something so new and different for her.

Q. I fake my orgasms. I don't want to tell my husband because it would make him feel bad. So I lie. Now I'm not sure I'd recognize an orgasm if it did happen. I know I'm not doing the right thing. But I'm not sure what to do.

A. While we can understand your reluctance to tell your husband the truth about your frustration, we'd hate to see you wait another night or 20 years to overcome the problem. It's not uncommon for women to have difficulty reaching a climax. Since men and women are wired so differently, it's understandable that a woman may not experience the necessary arousal for that ultimate sexual release.

Once a man understands those differences, he will usually want to help overcome any barrier to achieving climax. The first step is to confess that you're experiencing this frustration—trust us, your husband would feel worse knowing he was never given the opportunity to share a genuine experience with you. The second is to invite your husband to read a good book on sexual response with you, to help you understand your sexuality better, and then to apply what you've learned. We suggest The Gift of Sex by Cliff and Joyce Penner.

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