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Grace Matters
Marriage Partnership talks to Max and Denalyn Lucado about making forgiveness work individually and together.
By Ginger Kolbaba
 1 of 3
He's been named "America's Pastor," and in a recent national survey was ranked one of the most widely known and respected Christian authors, second only to Billy Graham. He has sold more than 39 million books, including his most recent Come Thirsty (Thomas Nelson), most of which center on our relationship with God and the forgiveness/love/grace connection. That's Max Lucado: the soft-spoken, gentle, unassuming husband to Denalyn (pronounced DEE-nuh-lin).
But do the Lucados (rhymes with "potatoes"), specialists on the subject of grace, really need it in marriage? Don't they have it all together?
"Hardly!" laughs Denalyn. "The Lord has been good to us. But learning how to extend grace doesn't happen overnight. Max and I have had to practice forgiveness for 23 years."
When have you been tempted not to forgive?
Denalyn: During our first year of marriage, when we invited our first overnight guests, I became hyper about making sure our new apartment was ready. So I was on my knees scrubbing our kitchen floor. Meanwhile, Max sat in the living room, putting together a wedding photo collage.
I was boiling inside because he wasn't helping! I finished up and went to bed to have a pity party. I had no intention of forgiving him!
How was that resolved?
Denalyn: The next day, after a while of giving Max the silent treatment, he asked, "Okay, what's wrong?" And we talked it out. Max hadn't meant to do anything to upset me. In fact, he'd been oblivious that there was a problem. And I hadn't said anything to educate him. I wanted him just to know what I wanted him to do. That's when the Lord helped me see Max for who he really is and not for who I'd made him out to be.
It's not a natural instinct to forgive. But the more I know the kind of grace and forgiveness Christ pours over me every hour, every minute, the more I find myself convicted of unforgiving thoughts or desires to lash out or to criticize or judge.
Max: Forgiveness comes more easily when we lower our expectations. Many people set impossible standards for their spouse. Yet only God can completely meet our needs for intimacy, identity, hope, and security. Once we understand that, our spouse's failure to meet those needs—while unfortunate and probably difficult—is forgivable.
Denalyn: We had to learn that lesson the hard way.
In what way?
Max: About ten years ago, I traveled all over the country speaking, then I'd arrive home Saturday night, speak at my church on Sunday. Monday and Tuesday were dedicated to church work. Then I was off again.
We had three small kids: Janna was six, Andrea was four, and Sarah was a newborn. So I was leaving Denalyn home every week to care for those kids by herself.
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