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• Don't just say no. The best thing for your marriage is to negotiate your sex life. Compromise times and types. Try these times: early in the morning, Saturday afternoon, right after work, a specific day. Try these types: quickies (one person gets an orgasm); no-frills sex (both get an orgasm but no extras); gourmet sex (sex with all the trimmings: candles, music, massage, and anything else that makes sex a feast).

This decade often finds couples settling into their "life's work." Careers and kids, houses and stuff. Often sex gets pushed to the side.

During Sandy and David's thirties, life demanded limitless energy. Sandy rebounded from two C-sections, worked part time, and taught Sunday school. When David spontaneously wanted sex sometimes, Sandy refused. "I'm worn out!" she'd admit. "After dealing with a busy schedule and caring for the kids, I'm too tired." Plus she felt insecure and less sexy about her body now that she'd had two babies and gained 15 pounds.

David's life had also changed from the lightheartedness of the twenties to greater responsibility and a promotion at work. Whenever he felt overly tired or stressed, he became alarmed by a sluggishness in the erection department. Replacing the spontaneity he thought would never end were the demands of work, children, and their busy lives.

• One of the main problems of the thirties is time pressure and busyness.
• Because of fatigue, work schedules, PMS, and sick kids, "thirtysomethings" move from spontaneity to planned outings.
• Sex may become the last priority on the list or begin to get stale, especially if the same tired agenda is always used to reach orgasm.

• Men hate giving up the idea of sexual spontaneity.
• Because of stress or fatigue, men can become more sluggish with their erections, which can lead to his avoiding sex altogether.
• You may say, "I don't want to have sex," but your husband hears, "I don't want to have sex with you." Saying, "Not now" instead of, "No" lets your husband grasp it will happen, just not at that moment. But be sure to make time for intimacy within the next 24-48 hours or your hubby will start to believe that "not now" is the same as "no." Another characteristic of biblical love is that it is kind, and kindness is essential when turning down your mate for sex.
• Most women think gaining weight is a major turn-off to their mates, so they allow their own ideas and misconceptions to make them feel insecure. In many studies, however, a wife's weight gain doesn't affect her husband's sexual fires at all.

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