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"That's just it," Carol replied. "Why does there have to be a plan at all?"

"I know your ideal vacation doesn't include this much activity. But I wish you could understand that my family likes to pack as much into a day as possible. Why can't you accept these differences instead of fighting them?"

It would be easier if Carol could simply relax and appreciate this is how my mom and dad express love to us. Right now I'm frustrated, torn between the desires of my parents and my wife—and that's a no-win situation!

Because they knew this friction wouldn't simply go away, Kevin and Carol had to come up with a plan for future visits.

"I enjoy being with your family," Carol told him during their strategy meeting. "I just need a little time to myself!"

"I know my mom and dad would be hurt or offended if you opted to sit out on activities while we're together," Kevin replied. "But I also realize the intensity of our family get-togethers can be a lot to handle. We need to figure out how to strike a healthy balance."

This discussion led to their first boundary: family trips should be kept to a few days in length.

"I didn't want to be selfish in my expectations for Kevin's family," Carol says. "With a shorter visit I can participate in all the activity without feeling overloaded."

A second boundary had to do with sleeping past sunrise. Kevin offered to gently remind his up-and-at-'em dad to hold off a couple hours before striking up the band.

"I'm used to my dad waking me early, so it didn't occur to me that other families handle mornings differently," Kevin says. "But trust me—I don't mind making a change when it comes to sleeping in."

Their third boundary? Carol suggested she and Kevin take a walk, a drive, or a coffee break each day—just the two of them.

"Sure we're around each other when we stay with his family, but the distractions can lead to a break-down in our communication," she says. "Taking an hour away from the hubbub is all I need to refuel and reconnect with Kevin."

Even though they were reared by parents with radically different ideas about family time, Kevin and Carol ultimately reached the same conclusion. "We take God's command to honor our mother and father to heart—and that includes in-laws," Kevin says. "It helps us to pray together for our families, especially before we spend time with them. That way, we're unified as a couple and intentional about looking out for each other's needs."

Carol has since adjusted to Kevin's family. "I still get tired on occasion," she says. "But I'm thankful that Kevin has been so patient and willing to talk this through."

"Defining our expectations has made all the difference," Kevin adds. "Now visits with my parents are more enjoyable—for them, and for us."

Copyright © 2005 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine. Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.

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