Home > Marriage > Communication > Bounce Back!
Bounce Back!
The secrets to building resilience in your marriage.
By John H. Thurman Jr. | posted 9/12/2008
 2 of 4
2. Resilient couples find help when they need it.
Many couples "go it" alone—trying to deal with their issues without getting outside help from a trusted source who can offer biblical encouragement, guidance, and support. Those are typically the couples who end up with broken relationships.
Larry and Sara had always been involved in church small groups, which had been invaluable sources of strength when difficult circumstances such as miscarriage and job loss came along. But when they felt more "out of control," such as Sara's shoe throwing, they knew it was a signal to seek professional help.
Do you have what it takes?
1. Accept the reality of the problem.
2. Choose to deal with the solvable problems.
3. Let the unsolvable problems go for now.
4. Commit to understanding each other's differences, in order to respect and love each other in more focused ways.
3. Resilient couples remember the good things about their marriage and each other.
"He's a good father to our boys," Sara mentioned when I asked them to list each other's good qualities. "And he's patient. He puts up with my quirks."
"I love how loyal and passionate she is," Larry added. "Sometimes she goes overboard, but I know her heart's in the right place."
The longer we talked, the more relaxed they became. "We're not quitters," Sara said. "When I see how many of our friends have crashed and burned in their marriages, I'm glad we've hung in there."
Larry looked embarrassed but said, "We had no idea what we could endure as husband and wife. But we still love each other."
Resilient couples choose to focus on the good as opposed to camping out on the bad.
4. Resilient couples accept the differences in their personalities, views, and ways of getting things done.
Sara entered marriage fearing the painful conflict she'd watched her parents experience, while Larry entered expecting the intimacy and commitment he'd seen his parents enjoy. For several years, they acted out based on the marriage models and communication styles they brought with them.
Sara tended to over-talk everything. Then if she felt Larry didn't "get it," she'd become angry. "When I try to talk to Larry," she told me, "he always seems to run and hide. He'll either collapse in the recliner and be sucked into the television, or he'll retreat to the computer room. When he does that I feel like going ballistic, and sometimes do."
Larry responded, "She has an opinion about everything, and when I don't engage in the conversation, she gets heated, so I retreat. Then she throws a shoe at me!"
Men and women really do have different needs.
For guys, we want to feel competent and needed. We want to feel respected. One friend of mine used to say, "Men are like dogs, they need three things: someone to feed them, play with them, and occasionally say, 'Good boy.'"
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