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Jennifer and Kyle were locked in an ongoing argument about money. Kyle was upset over the excessive amounts Jennifer spent on the children.

Late one night as the discussion was escalating, Kyle said, "You're just like your mother. She spoiled you, and now you're spoiling our kids."

Kyle identified a negative trait or behavior of his mother-in-law and called his wife that name. If his attempt was to force Jennifer to see the "error of her ways" and repent, he failed miserably. Instead, he put Jennifer on the defensive—not only for herself, but for her mother!

Other common phrases include: "That's just stupid!" "That's silly!" "Don't be ridiculous!" When one partner spits out these statements, it's the same as calling the other "stupid," "silly," or "ridiculous." It degrades that person's character. Those kinds of statements are cruel.

Better Choice:Keep the main thing the main thing. If the problem is money, keep the conversation on money. Resist the temptation to make it personal. Kyle could have said, "Honey, I want the kids to have everything you want. I just get nervous when I look at the checkbook. Can we come up with a plan so we don't have this argument again?" Recognize the feeling and communicate it. Commit not to use profanity or call your spouse names.

Julie and Steve sat in my office arguing over household responsibilities.

"You make me so mad when you come home and just watch TV," Julie said.

"Well, you frustrate me every time you gripe and complain about all I don't do."

"I'm tired of all your excuses to be lazy," Julie threw back.

Can you see where this was headed?

Of all the things I hear in my office, blame is the most common. If allowed, most couples would use the entire counseling session just blaming each other for their problems. The most frequent statement I hear is, "You make me so mad!"

I don't dispute that often we feel angry in response to our mate's actions. But it's inaccurate to say, "You make me so angry." Your emotions are in your control—not somebody else's.

A great way to know if you're placing blame is to watch how often you put the word you at the beginning of your sentences. For example, "You don't listen to me when I'm talking." While that statement may be true, it's a blaming phrase and will quickly be seen as an aggressive move. And your spouse will respond in kind.

Better Choice:A more effective way to communicate is to use "I feel" statements: "I feel unheard." "I feel disrespected when you interrupt." "I need you to listen and try to understand what I'm feeling." Spouses feel much less defensive with this communication technique.

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