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Rarely, though, will you see an article that asks the question for you as a couple, Are you invested enough in joy? Are you setting aside enough joy so that when you get to the end of your life you'll be able to look back and say about it what God said about his creation—it's very good?

Recently a newspaper ran a letter a wife wrote to her husband reflecting on the fact that in one month was the date he'd always said, This is when I'm going to retire so I can enjoy my family. Only he passed away three years earlier. That date came and it brought great pain to her. Her husband had waited for the end of his life to make a commitment to pursue joy. And it was too late.

We want to challenge you as a couple to make your life-goal to become the primary joy-giver in your spouse's world.

We often get caught in a vicious circle, which goes like this: How can I get my spouse to make me happier? With that mindset, I keep track of what my spouse does for me and what I do for my spouse. It's a game where I'm motivated not to do more for her than she does for me.

The challenge is instead to make it a benevolent circle, where we say, How can I give more joy to my spouse? And then your spouse's response will probably be, How can I give more joy back?

Last week Nancy called me (John) during the day and said, "There's a surprise waiting for you on the kitchen counter." I couldn't wait to get home—the thought of my surprise brought me such joy! When I walked in the kitchen that evening, there was a newly published book by one of my favorite authors. Nancy knew that would bring me joy.

Joy flows out of a commitment to bring a gift to another person.

If there's going to be joy in your relationship, start with yourself.

We have funny things in our family that have become traditions now as a result of stupid things I (Nancy) have done. I'm notorious for whipping up a loaf of banana bread, which my family loves. But I've been known many times to put a loaf in the oven and leave the house, only to come home several hours later and wonder why all the firemen are there.

When my family looks to see how I will respond, I've learned the importance of laughter. So now if somebody is doing something that isn't well thought out we say, "I think you're leaving your banana bread in the oven too long." It's a way to laugh at myself and then make it something that can bring joy to the rest of my family.

When you poke fun at yourself, you're saying to your family, I'm not the center of the universe. I'm not even the center of this family. This situation I'm in is not going to change my life, so let's all laugh about it.

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