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Ever been around somebody who doesn't allow negative emotions? They have this attitude that says, I will always pretend that everything is okay. I'll always have a cheerful attitude. But life isn't like that. These people use "joy" inauthentically.

I grew up in a home where my dad wouldn't face his alcoholism and his job issues that stemmed from that, and my mother wouldn't face her dissatisfaction with their relationship. My father's response was always to tell another joke and laugh, and everything was always okay. The issues were never talked about. His humor was a misuse of the joy that God intends for a relationship. It didn't bring oneness and unity; it split people apart. While laughter is a great tool to help deflect stress, sometimes the stress needs to be faced.

Sometimes we wait for joy to come to us. Television is a great example of passive joy. Sitting side by side on the couch thinking we're bettering our marriage and moving toward oneness when we're both just passively watching the same thing. This comes from the misunderstanding that joy can be external instead of internal. If I keep looking for external things to give me joy, then on Monday morning when I look at my calendar and see that Friday night I have a date with my husband, which I know will be fun, that waiting for joy means I'll miss a lot of the joy that's waiting for me during the week.

How do we become the kind of person who doesn't put joy on externally but actually has it inside us? Jesus tells us: "Remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love … I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete" (John 15:9-11).

We become people who experience internal joy when we remain deeply connected to Jesus. Then we carry that joy with us no matter the situation. In many of his writings, the apostle Paul urges us to hang onto joy in spite of whatever else is going on. Not to be passive and wait for it to come to us, but for our marriages to be the kind in which joy springs up and is a gift overflowing no matter where we go. That's active, positive joy.

Nancy Ortberg, a speaker and teacher, lives in California.

Copyright © 2006 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine. Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.

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