Home > Marriage > He Said ... She Said ... > Lost in Translation
Lost in Translation
When communication broke down, Dave and Merry Marinello had to learn a new language.
By Merry Marinello | posted 9/12/2008
 2 of 3
Deciding that perhaps she just needed some physical comfort, I rested my hand on her knee and gave her my best "I love you" smile. For some reason, that made her even angrier.
I'd fixed the plumbing in two apartments that day, but I couldn't seem to fix Merry's bad mood. I love Merry and want to be a good husband, but sometimes it feels as though no matter how hard I try, I do the wrong thing.
What they did
Soon after the incident in the car, Merry and Dave took a personality test, in which they discovered they scored opposite in a majority of the personality indicators. The results opened their eyes to the way they communicate and respond to each other. "I always assumed Dave thought like I did," Merry says. "Boy, was I wrong!"
"Merry's an introvert who needs quiet to recharge her batteries," Dave explains. "But I'm an extrovert, which means I'm convinced the surest cure for the blues is a party. No wonder we had trouble that day in the car!"
Dave and Merry realized that coping with their different personality types would require them to work harder at communicating. "I've been expecting you just to know my needs—such as how I want to unwind after a bad day—and meet them," Merry confessed to Dave after they received the personality results. "When you don't, I assume you're not even trying."
"I'm not a mind reader," Dave replied. "You need to clue me in on how I can help."
Merry admitted that the conversation in the car would have turned out differently if she'd simply told Dave she craved a nice warm bath—and no interruptions or responsibilities.
On the other hand, Dave needed to stop trying to "fix" Merry. "I'm not a technical problem to solve," Merry reminded him. "I need you to listen and care, not offer a quick fix."
Both Merry and Dave have learned not to make assumptions. "Since we're so different, taking a personality test and studying each other's communication styles helped us better understand each other and communicate our preferences," Merry says, adding with a sheepish grin, "instead of becoming defensive and attacking each other."
Dave agrees. "Before we were merely reacting to each other; now we ask questions—we want to know what each other is thinking. We know we have a choice to make in how we respond. We don't want a marriage where careless comments escalate into anger and bitterness. So now we try to assume the best about each other, and to cherish our differences."
The result of consciously choosing how they communicate is that both now define love on a deeper level. "First Corinthians 13 says, 'Love always trusts,'" says Merry. "I wasn't trusting Dave with my thoughts, and I didn't trust his motives—I jumped to all kinds of wrong conclusions."
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