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Most couples never raise the question of how their friends affect their marriage. They assume, and often rightly so, that friends are a positive factor in both their personal and marital lives. Yet many couples' marriages are marred or threatened by so-called friends. The friend may not even be aware of the damage he or she is causing. Jack probably didn't consciously set out to sabotage Tom's marriage. He just wanted to keep on having the same "fun" times he'd always had with Tom.

Jack illustrates one way in which a friend is a foe to your marriage: when he influences you to do something that detracts from, or even disrupts, marital intimacy. Fortunately, Tom and Judith also had Ken and Diane, friends who helped them through the difficult time in their marriage. Ken and Diane spent hours listening to Tom and Judith, helping them understand what was at stake. When Judith wondered whether she could ever fully trust Tom again, they reminded her that he loved her enough to give up a long-term friendship to save their marriage. "They were the glue that held us together when we were about to fall apart," Judith says. "They helped me realize you don't just chuck a good marriage because you hit a rough spot."

There are a number of other ways in which friends can be detrimental to your marriage. One is when a friend, whether same-sex or opposite, becomes your main confidant. That kind of sharing is what builds true and deep intimacy. Thus, when you confide your concerns and fears, your hopes and dreams, your struggles and temptations with a friend to the exclusion of your spouse, you forge your strongest bonds of intimacy with the friend.

Another way in which friends can hurt your marriage is by consuming too much of your discretionary time. Couple time—the time you spend together, connecting with each other and nurturing your relationship—is at a premium for most of us. Friends who expect or demand so much of your time that they deprive you of couple time are foes to your marriage. This is what Emily discovered when she realized her friend Maggie was phoning her every evening during the time she and Hank had reserved for after-dinner coffee and to talk about their day. Emily felt responsible for Maggie; she knew that Maggie was having a difficult time at work. But their conversations limited, if not obliterated, the couple time Emily and Hank needed for themselves.

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