Home > Marriage > Spirituality > Affairs of the Mind
Affairs of the Mind
Why romantic brain candy isn't all that sweet.
by Linda LaMar Jewell | posted 9/12/2008
 2 of 4
Eight years into our marriage, I became a Christian.
I began to study the Bible and apply to my life and relationships what I was learning. One day after reading my Bible, I felt convicted about my thought life and wondered, Do fantasies impact my marriage? I took an honest, painful look at how my inward thoughts affected my outward behavior toward my husband. As I created fantasies to satisfy my romantic needs, I proportionally tuned out relating with my husband.
That realization hit me hard: I was as much to blame for our declining emotional intimacy as he was! With this new perspective on my destructive attitudes and behaviors, I became determined not to allow fantasies to disrupt or ruin my marriage—no matter what. And in the process,
I discovered a lot about the truth behind fantasies.
Tearing off the mask
Like the Phantom of the Opera hiding his grotesqueness behind a mask, something ugly and vile hides behind the mask of fantasy: it's the Evil One trying to entice me from God's will for my life and marriage.
I shy away from reading romance novels and read books that give me a glimpse of the woman God created me to be.
With that realization, whenever I began to fantasize, I did two things: I'd force myself to acknowledge that my fantasy guy had faults and imperfections (he had bad breath, left up the toilet seat, threw his dirty underwear on the floor). If that didn't work, I'd visualize snatching the mask off the fantasy face—and finding an ugly black snake with a darting tongue and lethal bite. Who wants to kiss a snake?
As a child, I learned the old jump-rope singsong:
"Cindereller, dressed in yeller,
went upstairs to kiss her feller,
made a mistake and kissed a snake.
How many times did she kiss that snake?"
As an adult, I learned that every fantasy adds one more time that I kiss that snake.
Reflecting on foolishness and wisdom, King Solomon wrote, "Whoever digs a pit may fall into it; whoever breaks through a wall may be bitten by a snake" (Ecclesiastes 10:8). Fantasies become a pit. And when I break through God's wall of protection, I'm inviting that snake to bite me.
Controlling the images
I can train my mind away from fantasizing. How? The best way is through prayer—but not for the man I'm fantasizing about (who's usually a real person). When I first started to tame this indulgence, I realized that praying for the man I was fantasizing about made me think more about him. Rather, I've learned to pray for his wife and children. If he's not married, I pray for strong, healthy relationships with the wife and children God may have in store for him.
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