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"That was a blast!"

"Yeah, we need to do that more often!" Steve agreed. "I haven't laughed like that since the time I threw you in our pond for turning my underwear pink. It's good not to take ourselves so seriously." Reaching for my hand, he continued in his characteristically humble attitude—one of the reasons I married him.

"I'm sorry, honey. I know you were in the middle of an important project, and I could have been more tactful and considerate about my timing. Believe it or not, it really bothers me that I can't seem to control the harsh tone in my voice when I'm helping you. I could say it's because you drive me crazy with your unwillingness to learn new things, but that's no excuse. I really want to work on this area of my life."

I hate it when he sets the example and apologizes. Now I had to as well.

"Seriously," he continued, "I want to stop being so harsh in my tone of voice. I need something to motivate a change in my behavior. Something that will remind me right at the moment. What's something I could do for you when I slip up—something you really love?"

"Back rubs," I answered immediately.

"I knew that was coming. How about every time I get a harsh tone with you, you call me on it right then and I have to give you a back rub?"

"Really?" It sounded too good to be true. This was a potential 24/7 massage session. There must be a catch. "What do you get out of this?"

"Well, probably a happier wife, for starters. And hopefully I'll get rid of this annoying habit." I liked this deal—but I knew it wouldn't be fair if he were the only one working on something. "So what should I work on first—my angry reaction to your harsh tone or my lack of a teachable spirit?"

He went right for the jugular. "Well, I'd definitely have to go for teachable. But you know, you don't have to ask how to pay up with me." He winked.

I knew there was going to be a catch.

I was skeptical at first that this new bargaining technique would really work, but after several months things changed dramatically between us. Now, whenever he gets a harsh tone with me (he even lets me try to push his buttons on purpose for extra practice), I no longer get angry and hold a grudge half the day. Instead, I see opportunity. I'm like, "Yeah, baby, I get a backrub out of this."

For instance, one morning I asked him if he'd fixed the burned-out light in the kitchen, and he got that irritated, condescending tone to his voice. "Obviously not! Did you see me fixing it? Have you tried turning on the light?"

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