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Every family divvies up chores, fairly or not so fairly. The MS dictates ours and it's not at all fair, but we do have the choice to let it tear us apart or use it to strengthen our marriage bond as we face the adversity together. This reaches deeper than deciding who does what. It reaches to feelings, emotions, and attitudes about what we do, what's done to us, and who we are to ourselves and each other.

Dressing my wife humbles me; it humiliates her. Do I have thoughts such as, Why am I reading recipes and washing dishes? Checking her hose for runs? Untangling her bra and filling her lingerie drawer from the dryer? You bet I do. And I know the way I respond to those thoughts deeply affects Elizabeth.

When she asks me to bring her a blanket and a book,

I unconsciously sigh, too long and too loud. "And turn on the lamp, but first help me out of the recliner to the wheelchair so I can use the bathroom. And I'd like some tea and crackers when I get back to the recliner." She hesitates. "I'm sorry you have to do this."

I wince, realizing she heard my sigh. This dependency hits her self-esteem, and my reaction makes it worse. But how do I stop what I don't even know I'm doing?

We both pray for healing. With our families and our church, we agonize before God for a return to the day when Elizabeth can offer an open handshake instead of a permanently clenched fist, or take a flight of stairs without thought.

But if we only grieve the loss, we miss the gain—that what this disease does to us may also be done for us. Even as the MS steals abilities from Elizabeth's life, a healing grows almost undetected inside. When we talk about this, Elizabeth wonders aloud, "Did it really take this to teach me that my soul is more important to God than my body?"

And I ask, "Is this what Jesus meant when he taught his disciples to serve? When he washed their feet, did he look 2,000 years into the future and see me washing my wife's clothes and helping her onto her shower seat to bathe? Did it really take this to teach me compassion?"

Could it be that God in his wisdom and love gives Elizabeth and me this disease to heal us from the inside out in ways he considers far more important than how efficiently nerve signals travel from her brain to her muscles?

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