Home > Marriage > Real Sex > "Giving Pointers"
"Giving Pointers"
Also: "Playing Dress Up?" "Initiating Sex"
by Michael Sytsma and Debra Taylor
 1 of 4
Most of the time I enjoy my husband's moves when we're making love. But every once in a while I'd like him to try something different. How can I give him a pointer without bruising his ego?
Debra: It's important for each couple to negotiate how they are going to talk about their sexual relationship together. To talk honestly about our sexuality, sexual preferences, fears, feelings about our bodies, struggles, joys—this is intimacy, deep friendship with trust and faithfulness.
Whenever we approach our spouse with information that could be perceived as criticism, we need to be respectful and thoughtful.
It's best to have a sexual talk away from actual lovemaking. Arrange some uninterrupted "just us" time for conversation (the kids are in bed, or get a babysitter and go somewhere private), and then bring up your desire: "I've been thinking about our lovemaking …" is one way to start. Be careful not to use the word but ("I usually like what we do, but …"). The word and works better ("I enjoy our lovemaking and I've been thinking about some things I'd like to do with you …").
Positive suggestions are more useful than vague or negative comments. Affirmations and sincere compliments help alleviate fears of rejection or criticism. When you talk together about your sexuality, you're talking about one of the core parts of your person; you're on holy ground. Be mindful of where you are and speak respectfully—as you would want your husband to be respectful and kind to you.
Michael: The male ego can be fragile. Especially when it comes to sexual prowess. Depending on how fragile your husband's ego is, you might not be able to avoid hurting him. The beauty is, God created us with a great ability to heal. And many times, a little pain is worth the gain. Take courage, jump in, and risk it for the reward. Most men are willing to risk their egos a bit in sports, business, investing, and other areas of life when there's the chance of reward.
You may also want to try subtle direction and reward. This works best when the two of you are in a playful sexual mood. In those times, you could say, "Oooh. Would you ______ (fill in your pointer)?" When he does, make a big deal about it. Moan and let him know, "You haven't done that before. It feels really good tonight." That kind of affirmation speaks powerfully to most men.
During the relaxed time after sex, tell him how you wouldn't want that every time, but you enjoyed him trying that this time: "Our typical routine is comfortable and feels good. Sometimes trying something different is also good. You're a great lover."
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