Home > Marriage > Real Sex > "Giving Pointers"
"Giving Pointers"
Also: "Playing Dress Up?" "Initiating Sex"
by Michael Sytsma and Debra Taylor | posted 9/12/2008
 2 of 4
Playing dress up?
My wife and I enjoy it when she dresses in "costumes" and we role-play. It's never anything like pretending we're other real people. It's just doctor/nurse stuff and things like that. That's okay, right? Or is that considered fantasizing?
Debra: The dictionary states this about fantasize (verb): to indulge in daydreaming about something desired; to imagine something you would like to have happen.
Yes, dressing up and role-playing is a type of fantasizing. That said, what's wrong with fantasizing? The most important sexual organ is your brain. What's happening in your mind affects your responses physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Using your imagination and playing together are important for a healthy marriage and sexual relationship. You have already honed in on a key to evaluating if fantasy is healthy or unhealthy—you're not imagining sex with someone else, you're fully engaged in relating to each other.
If you're both having fun, neither of you feels degraded, there is no physical or psychological pain, you are growing in your oneness, and expressing your love for each other, then enjoy!
Michael: You are imagining yourselves in different scenarios, much like a child playing school, or pretending he's a fireman or a doctor. This type of play is healthy for children. We enjoy watching and almost envy them being lost in their world.
Much is the same for adults in sex. While some couples may find this type of play awkward, unappealing, or even offensive ("I want my husband/wife to connect with the real me, not a fantasy me"), many others will find it a meaningful type of play. Playfulness is a valuable part of a healthy sex life. If this is how the two of you enjoy playing, I encourage you to continue to explore.
Keep it within boundaries:
- No one else should ever be invited in to your fantasies. Your sex play is for you alone. Dressing up as a movie star is one thing, imagining your wife is a specific movie star you are having sex with is lust and is out of bounds. Keep your fantasies to yourself. They need to be private play, not for sharing among your friends.
- Keep it fun. Healthy fantasy is not about degrading or hurting each other.
- Never force a fantasy on your spouse. Because it's fun one day, doesn't mean it will be any other time. Also, a fantasy of yours might be scary or offensive to your spouse because of something (he or she might not even be aware of) from the past. If your spouse says "no" or "I'm not comfortable with that" then stop.
- Never lose track of the real goal of sex—a God-reflective connection with your spouse. God is a playful God, but he always connects with us authentically. Play it up, but keep the connection real.
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