Home > Marriage > 24/7 > The Fastest Road to Forgiveness
The Fastest Road to Forgiveness
by Gary D. Chapman | posted 9/12/2008
 2 of 2
How do you discover your spouse's primary apology language? Ask your spouse, "When you apologize to someone, what do you typically say or do? When someone apologizes to you, what do you expect to hear him say or do?" Her answers to those two questions will likely reveal her primary apology language.
One husband said, "My wife and I speak different languages. Mine is expressing regret. When she says to me, 'I'm sorry. I realize I hurt you and I feel badly about that,' that's all I need to hear. I'm ready to forgive her. But that isn't what my wife wants to hear in an apology. She wants me to express a willingness to make restitution. When I say, 'How can I make this up to you?' I have truly apologized. Saying, 'I'm sorry,' isn't enough for her. Learning to speak her apology language has greatly improved our relationship."
A few caveats
Warning: You may find it difficult to speak your spouse's apology language. It may be a language you didn't learn as a child. The good news is it can be learned as an adult! Learning to speak the apology language of your spouse is time well invested. It will remove the emotional barriers more quickly and more deeply.
Warning: Remove the word but from your apologies. When you say, "I'm sorry, but if you hadn't …. then, I wouldn't …" you've negated your apology. You end up blaming your spouse for your wrong behavior. Now you owe a second apology!
One lady said to me, "For 42 years I've been apologizing to my husband in the wrong language. Do you think I should change now?"
"It's never too late to do it right," I suggested.
A month later she said to me, "I've been apologizing in his language and it really makes a difference. He's smiling more, and I feel closer to him."
"Was it worth the effort to learn to speak a new apology language?" I asked.
"Absolutely," she said. "We're never too old to learn."
I wish every couple had that attitude.
Gary D. Chapman, Ph.D. co-author of The Five Languages of Apology(Northfield Publishing), has been married 45 years to Karolyn.
Copyright © 2007 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine. Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.
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