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Spirituality and Sex?
What 4 Christian sex therapists wish you knew.
by Ginger Kolbaba | posted 9/12/2008
 2 of 8
After meeting the Sexual Wholeness professionals, I was overwhelmed by how fun they were. They're witty, smart, empathetic, and passionate about helping people discover God's unique and wonderful gift of sex. Not to mention they have some solid insights on how to have a great sex life. Here's what they shared with MP.
We hear about "myths" of sex. What do you wish couples knew about their sex life?
Debra: Every couple except maybe one or two in the entire universe will have sexual problems at some point in their marriage. Anyone who tells you otherwise is misleading you.
Doug: I tell my male clients, "Guys, I've got good news and bad news." The bad news is everyone here is going to suffer from three major issues at some point: impotence, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation. The good news is there are ways to work through those, so don't spend so much time fretting over them.
Debra: One of my favorite verses is Psalm 34:19: "A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all." That's a great theme for a couple. You'll have sexual problems. Don't be surprised. Seek the Lord and get counsel. God will rescue you—not always the way you want him to, but there are ways to work through it. Get over it. Move on.
Doug: Sex is complex, and a variety of things weave together to create a good sex life. So many of my clients expect a neat cause and effect, as if they're dealing with a case of appendicitis. They think, Let's take out the appendix. Sex isn't typically that simplistic.
For instance, a wife may say, "I don't enjoy sex." I tell her and her husband, "Maybe it's not the sex. Maybe you're not a night person, and he prefers to make love at night. You've got two children under the age of three. Maybe recently you were suffering from endometriosis." I wish couples would understand that when there's an issue, sometimes it's better to see the complexity of it, rather than reducing it to we need to make love more often. God has designed sex to be physical, emotional, and spiritual, so it would do wonders for their sex life if they'd consider how those elements interact.
Michael: Another myth is that great sex should be natural and should happen easily. Here's the truth: great sex doesn't happen for many couples until they've been married 30 years or so, and they've learned each other and themselves.
Really? Thirty years?
Michael: When couples are first married, they have the tendency to believe that sex is body focused, that it's about how big your penis is or your breasts are. But it isn't. It's about the heart. Great sex is heart sex.
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