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"Hi, beautiful!" my new husband, Jerry, called from the back bedroom where he was making pottery. I'd just come home from my university classes.

"Hi," I mumbled, heading into the kitchen of our bungalow to cook dinner. My straight hair was pulled into a ponytail, and I wore my usual outfit of cut-off army fatigues and threadbare plaid shirt. Because my father had sexually abused me when I was young, I'd always felt ugly and dirty and tended to dress the part. But since Jerry and I had married a few months before, he routinely called me beautiful.

No other man has ever called me beautiful, I thought, grabbing a handful of spaghetti. Although I'd heard Jerry say those words before, for some reason, that day it felt as if God himself wrapped his arms around me, and my feeling of ugliness began to melt away.  

As a psychotherapist, I've seen many people healed by the power of words. Sometimes those words are understanding; sometimes warm; sometimes forgiving (or seeking forgiveness); sometimes encouraging. Through our words, we can be the incarnation of Jesus to each other, just as Jerry was, and still is, to me. He saw God's beauty in me and spoke the healing words I needed to hear, setting me on a path to recovery and wholeness.

Here are some powerful ways our words work.

Healing words draw us together. Many of us feel we don't belong, even if we look as if we've always fit with the "in" crowd. Janet married her husband when they were both in medical school. "When my husband first referred to me as his wife, and introduced me that way, I felt such a sense of belonging," she told me. "More than I'd ever felt in my primary family." Her story of healing words surprised me because she appears as though she has it all: a beautiful house, two wonderful children, a great husband, a professional career. But she, too, has been hurt by rejection in her childhood family.

Maybe, like me, you have to keep reminding yourself that we're all members of the "walking wounded," no matter how good we look on the outside.

Feeling we don't belong, in a family, a social group, or at church is a common fear we keep inside, and only our spouses may know. I've heard other husbands refer to their wives as "my bride" or "my better half" or "my constant companion," all words that affirm belonging. Those simple words, repeated regularly, can ease the pain of feeling on the outside.

Kind words to our spouse can create positive relationship spirals. Good words beget good words. My friend Bonnie describes her husband's words that calm her fears after an argument. Married 15 years, with two children, she and Paco have a good marriage, but like any couple, sometimes they hurt each other. She says, "After we've quarreled, I feel so hurt, I don't believe he cares. Then, he often opens his arms and says, 'I love you.' I'm deeply touched and feel secure again as I rush into his embrace." 

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